Madams and good Sirs of all ages, thank you for procuring Dr. Clifton’s Fantastical Miracle Elixir! For fast-acting hair growth, look no further. We appreciate your farthings. However, to those seeking recompense, allow us to explicate the manner by which you may procure it.
We do not accept bottles that have been opened by way of cork. In such instances, we suspect that you have imbibed the tonic, as evidenced by your rosy scalp and lack of neck maladies.
The “satisfaction guarantee” refers to Clifton’s contentment at pocketing your sterling. In the event that his avarice fades, he will let you know.
If you are less than well pleased with the elixir’s ability to regrow locks, it is no doubt because of your skepticism. True faith is about not questioning why you’ve been given no receipt. In the land of hair, the lemming is king.
Also, some chaps look better with a crown of fresh blisters! Just saying.
Elixir bottles can be exchanged for wellness liniments of equal or lesser value. This offer is valid only for townsfolk with proof of dropsy, mumps, polio, lumbago, colitis, bursitis, bites of the wolf most vile, and other afflictions covered under the purview of Clifton’s marvellous medical menagerie.
You may be denied a refund if Dr. Clifton does not like the cut of your jib. And he so rarely likes jib cuts.
To impugn the doctor’s good name would be of great offense, for his elixir is the latest sensation sweeping the nation! Its propensity for scalp stimulation springs forth from the dark recesses of the Orient! The hirsute laborers toiling on the transcontinental railroad swear by its power to fuzz your noodle. Just one dab and you’ll see!
If your elixir has compatibility issues with the parasites being used to treat your gout, contact your local leech wrangler. Perchance he’s the swindler, not we!
Fair warning: should you reclaim your funds from the till by force, Dr. Clifton will beat you about the head and neck with great vigor. You will be left bloody and humbled. Though stout of frame, he has killed many a bear in the wilds of Appalachia. And you, my good man, are not a bear. Though you could be, with purchase of Dr. Clifton’s Glorious Grizzly-fication Tinctures! Available now for the low, low price of whatever you have.
Should your vial be received with blemish, well, the Fates have spoken. Who are we to question the will of God? Only a heretic could so do, and they can be burned for apostasy. But Dr. Clifton would never wish to see harm come to a loyal patron such as yourself! Though, to be clear, he has friends with great lust for violence.
When the label peels off, revealing one beneath that reads “Pee,” the purchaser may qualify for a fresh batch of waste from Clifton’s apprentice. Though it can be an ordeal getting Percival to produce. His timid bladder is most unreliable.
The good doctor must take his leave now, for the smooth-headed rabble the next town over are in need of his highly credible concoction. Word has it their pockets are bursting with coin!
