The Paint Job
There is a runaway trolley speeding down the tracks toward five people. You can pull a lever and change the trolley’s path so that it hits only one person, but you aren’t aware of this option because you’re too busy spray-painting “THE CHINESE TRAIN” on the side of the trolley.
Question: Will your approval rating go up by two percentage points, or by seven?
The Super-Shocking Surprise
There is a runaway trolley speeding down the tracks toward five people. You can pull a lever and change the trolley’s path so that it hits only one person. Technically, the trolley should be able to come to a stop long before a disaster occurs, but two years ago you cut the trolley’s brakes.
Who could have seen this coming?
The Contingency Plan
There is a runaway trolley speeding down the tracks toward five people. But there is a lever you can pull and change the trolley’s path so that it hits only one.
Whom should you put in charge of pulling the lever? I mean, it’s easy: the guy who doesn’t believe in trolleys, right?
The Hero
There is a runaway trolley speeding down the tracks toward millions of people. But has anybody thought about how, if you had dropped a nuclear bomb on the trolley for no reason, many more lives would have been lost? You made the tough call; you said, “You know, let’s not drop a nuclear bomb on the trolley for no reason.”
Everyone keeps trying to change the subject with all this talk about a lever—but, in the meantime, no one says thank you. No one says thank you very much for not dropping a nuclear bomb on the trolley for no reason.
The Sacrificial Grandparent
There is a runaway trolley speeding down the tracks toward a giant bag of money. You can pull a lever and change the trolley’s path so that, instead of hitting the money, it hits a million grandmothers.
This should be simple: All people want to kill their grandmother, right? But if you kill your grandmother that means she won’t be able to send you a five-dollar bill every year on your birthday and sometimes on Easter. So there’s a lot to consider.
The Trolley Advisory
There is a runaway trolley speeding down the tracks toward millions of people. The number could have been much smaller, but, until recently, you were loudly encouraging people to climb onto the tracks and speculating publicly about whether the trolley even existed. Still, if you act now, you can help thousands of people get off the tracks before the trolley arrives.
Why are so many of the people who climbed onto the tracks now saying rude, nasty things like “Help! Help!”?
The Sneaky Doctor
There is a runaway trolley speeding down the tracks toward two million people. You can pull a lever and change the trolley’s path so that it hits only about a hundred thousand people.
Instead of thinking about pulling the lever, perhaps you could retweet a conspiracy theory that New York doctors are running a black market for ventilators?
The Cure Worse Than the Disease
There is a runaway trolley speeding down the tracks toward millions of people. You can pull a lever that will save hundreds of thousands of lives. But there’s a problem: the lever is greasy, and if you touch it not only will your hands get gunk on them but you’ll also stain your shirt. And you like that shirt.
You hate to say it, but, in this case, could the solution be worse than the problem? And why hasn’t anyone on the tracks complimented your nice, crisp shirt?
The Retirement Plan
There is a runaway trolley speeding down the tracks. If it continues on its path, it will run into millions of retirement funds. You can pull a lever and change the trolley’s path so that it runs into millions of people instead, thank God.
This one is simple, so the only question is: Isn’t it cool that you get to pull the lever and still call yourself “pro-life”?
The Conductor
A runaway trolley is speeding down the tracks toward millions of people. There is a lever that can be pulled to slow the trolley and save thousands of lives, but only the train conductor can pull it.
So, why is everyone screaming at you? Why do they keep yelling crazy things like “You’re the conductor—do something!”? What? Just because you’re wearing the conductor’s uniform? Is it because you’ve been yelling for the entire train ride about how great it was that they gave you the train-conductor job and how you have probably set a record for train conducting, whatever that means?
How do you explain that you never wanted to actually do the work of conducting a train—and that you just wanted to wear the stupid hat? ♦
