Trending in cancel culture this week is #selfcancelation—deactivating yourself as a preëmptive strike. But how do you know when it’s time? Please check off all that apply, and then tally up your final score to find out.
1. I recently messaged a friend of color whom I hadn’t spoken to in years to ask, “How are you doing?” Add 10 points. (If you used a smiley-face emoji darker than you are, add 10 more.)
2. I have posted the meme “Justin Trudeau is too cute to cancel.” Add 10 points.
3. In the past few weeks, I have shared pictures, articles, or quotes of/by Roxane Gay, Ibram X. Kendi, Al Sharpton, R.B.G., A.O.C., or any Obama. Minus 10 points each.
4. I have added the comment “Love this^,” “This^,” “So much this^,” or “Amen, Brother^” to a progressive-themed social-media post. Add 10 points for each caret.
5. I’ve spent hours digging through a decade’s worth of my own social-media posts looking for tragic costume choices from my past. Add 10 points. If you have to ask “Does this count as blackface?” add 30 more.
6. I’ve recently posted a selfie in which I am wearing a “Cuomosexual” T-shirt. Add 10 points.
7. I go to urban protests to take pictures and videos with younger, cooler, multicultural people who would never usually hang out with me. Add 10 points.
8. I didn’t flinch when I read the words “urban” or “multicultural” in the previous sentence. Add 20 points each.
9. I post pictures and videos of myself at Brooklyn protests, even though I don’t live in Brooklyn and had never previously been there. Add 20 points. (For any item made of kente cloth and worn in said pictures and videos, add 20 more.)
10. I’ve recently paid for, liked, praised, shared, or retweeted anything by Louis C.K., Louis Farrakhan, J. K. Rowling, R. Kelly, Ryan Adams, Roseanne Barr, Matt Lauer, Bill Cosby, Charlie Rose, Kanye, Don Cherry, or Aunt Jemima. Add 10 points each.
11. When in doubt, I guess rather than ask about preferred gender pronouns. Once corrected, I forget immediately. Add 20 points.
12. I bought “How to Be an Antiracist,” “Between the World and Me,” “White Fragility,” “So You Want to Talk About Race,” “Beloved,” or “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.” Minus 10 points each; add 50 for the last one.
YOUR SCORE
0-10 points: You may have a future as a sensitivity counsellor.
11-30 points: Step away from social media and read all those books (except the one by Steve Harvey, who hasn’t read it himself).
31-60 points: If you leave the country now, you might still have a career.
61+ points: Why are you still here?
