Product Name: Pregnancy
Time period between order and delivery is unnecessarily long.
First of all, I tried to order this baby for six months before I finally got my confirmation code. This was very annoying, as the ease of this process seems to vary indiscriminately. My neighbor got her last baby confirmation by surprise—she didn’t even remember ordering one. Then there’s the fact that all promotional material states “nine months” to delivery, but this is less than accurate. My baby arrived two weeks after the anticipated due date and the hospital wouldn’t waive delivery fees. I wasn’t even issued an apology for the delay, just the excuse that “babies come on their own schedule.” I never have this problem with Amazon.
Read the fine print.
My experience with pregnancy was less than stellar. I was ecstatic when I received my confirmation, but it went downhill from there. I experienced a lot of negative side effects during the process. I was nauseated, fat, pimply, and really depressed—just horrible customer service. I mean, I’m paying thousands of dollars in medical bills for this baby and I don’t even get the advertised “glow”?! I feel cheated. Apparently these side effects are common knowledge among the community but aren’t widely discussed. Be warned.
Product Name: Childbirth
I suffered through a completely unmedicated birth and all I got was a third-degree tear and this dumb baby.
Twenty-eight hours of excruciating pain to bring a kid into the world and I didn’t even get a goddam sticker. When I was told I’d be so proud of myself and happy with the decision to do things “naturally,” I thought there would be an actual incentive. Nope. Just the same baby that you’ll get with the drugs, with the added bonus of feeling everything as your insides are ripped apart by a Minotaur. There’s not even a social-media badge or special license-plate offering. Don’t bother.
C-sections are only “easy” if you don’t mind being filleted like a fish.
After hours of fruitless labor, the C-section was offered to me as an emergency substitute. It was all very rushed, though luckily the results were positive. A year later, however, my torso still doesn’t look or feel right. Honestly, I’m unsure if I’ll even bother with childbirth again. This is my second time through and both times the experience was less than stellar. I wasn’t even offered a coupon code after my first negative review. Not a good way to retain customers.
Product Name: Breast-feeding
Talk about luck of the draw!
Do you like Russian roulette? Try breast-feeding! It’s like an LOL Surprise, but it’s your body. You know those flesh sacks you’ve been carrying around since puberty? Sometimes they are completely useless—SURPRISE!
Advertisements are misleading.
I was recommended breast-feeding by many of my friends who swore they’d had a great experience and absolutely raved about it. But their “beautiful bonding experience” was my “time-consuming anxiety spiral.” Also, it gave me bleeding nipples. Hard pass.
Product Name: Sleep Training
All the manuals are wrong.
Since none of these babies seem to come marked with a model number (this is a huge oversight in the manufacturing process, BTW), I purchased multiple after-market manuals, hoping one of them would contain the correct instructions to get my baby to go into sleep mode. It has been fourteen months and I still haven’t been able to program the baby to sleep consistently. I have tried everything. Is this a special feature or is mine defective? Either way, no manual seems to work, so don’t waste your money.
Product Name: Potty training
As bad as you think it’s going to be. No exceptions.
I was told there’s a window in which this can be done quickly and efficiently and relatively cleanly. The window does not exist. There is just this room—the living room, which is now covered in towels and smells like a barnyard.
Do not attempt while pregnant.
Advertisements state that potty training is a perfectly safe activity to engage in while pregnant. I disagree. I spent months working through potty-training scenarios with my first kid before the birth of his sister, to avoid two in diapers. Bad plan. As soon as the second kid was delivered the first kid immediately rebooted to his previous settings and none of my progress was saved. Very frustrating and cost me more in extra laundry in the long run.
