There’s a never-ending debate among New York City natives and longtime dwellers: depending on whom you ask, people will tell you that the only true New Yorkers are the ones born here; others place a ten-year minimum of living here to make the cut. I once read an article that addressed the issue in one, concise sentence: “Being a New Yorker is an endless process of earning it.” That sentence was followed by a list of qualities typical of a New Yorker—buying a dollar slice at 4 A.M., seeing an outdoor movie screening in Bryant Park, walking by a celebrity without batting an eyelash, etc.
Sure, these traits and experiences help substantiate your status as a real New Yorker, but I’m about to tell you how to cheat. I’m going to teach you how to expedite the process of earning your New Yorker credibility, so that the next time you find yourself having the age-old argument with a native you can shut down whoever is trying to deny your authenticity.
Go see a psychic adviser while blackout drunk and crying (expedites your real-New Yorker status by 35%).
Use your yoga mat to stop the subway doors from closing, so that you can get on the train (60%).
Put a cigarette out in an intern’s Lean Cuisine (20%).
Fall into an open manhole while in the middle of signing an e-mail with “Best” (45%).
Get brunch-drunk and hail a taxi with a baguette (55%).
Google the word “aesthetic” while sitting in a communal dining area that has white walls and furniture that can only be described as “fun” (60%).
Answer the Craigslist ad of someone looking for a person on whom to practice their knife-throwing act, because you’re a hundred dollars short on rent (45%).
Arrive at a job interview with the faint remains of a club stamp on your hand (25%).
Smuggle granola bars into Soho House when your friend who has a membership invites you, because you know that you can’t afford the food there (15%).
Get drunk at a work function and flirt with your co-worker (30%).
Apologize to your co-worker, via e-mail, for “complicating things” and live out the rest of your professional life in mild discomfort (30%).
Who gives a fuck about your co-worker?! You met someone new and cuter and now you’re in a happy and healthy relationship with a person who is completely attracted to you, has no emotional baggage, and remembers things like how you take your coffee (0%).
Start a startup (55%).
Dip your hair in fake blood and whip your head back and forth on the High Line during peak tourist visiting hours (30%).
Agree to pay an extra four dollars for three drops of CBD oil in your latte (25%).
Crack your iPhone screen while swiping left on Tinder too fast (30%).
Move to L.A. (100%).
From “Born to Be Public,” by Greg Mania, to be published by Clash Books.
