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April 16, 2024
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The 2020 Republican National Convention Schedule of Events

The 2020 Republican National Convention, Washington, D.C.

Schedule of Events

Night 1

  • THEME: “Cabinet Members Ethics Violations,” hosted by the MyPillow Guy.

  • Gavel in and call to order by an eighth-grader from Tampa we’re pretty sure is Q.

  • Confederate Pledge of Allegiance, led by Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

  • INVOCATION: MAGA-Hat Kid, “My Idea of What a Native American Prayer Probably Sounds Like.”

  • Report from the Platform Committee (cancelled).

  • TONIGHT’S FEATURED SPEAKERS: The St. Louis racist couple; Susan Collins’s “concern”; and Senator Tim Scott, of South Carolina.

  • PERFORMANCE: Antonio Sabàto, Jr., and the Tiki-Torch Dancers. (Tiki-Torch Dancers appearance subject to scheduling availability.)

  • Time-Share Opportunities at Trump International Hotel & Tower Baku: Only ninety minutes, and all participants get a two-hundred-dollar Visa gift card.

  • Montage of Republicans who sadly cannot be with us, owing to long-standing commitments for teeth-cleaning and dropping their children off at online college.

  • “EXECUTIVE TIME.”

  • OPENING REMARKS BY PRESIDENT TRUMP: “The Russia Hoax” (prerecorded).

  • Senator Mitch McConnell: “I did not hear Trump’s opening remarks.”

  • 3 A.M.: KEYNOTE ADDRESS, Tiffany Trump.

Night 2

  • THEME: “A Salute to John Lewis . . . ’s Attackers on the Edmund Pettus Bridge,” hosted by Goya beans.

  • Russian Pledge of Allegiance, led by James Woods.

  • INVOCATION: Jerry Falwell, Jr., “Jesus Was Also a Watcher of Men.”

  • PERFORMANCE: Dean Cain and the Tiki-Torch Dancers. (Tiki-Torch Dancers appearance subject to scheduling availability.)

  • FEATURED SPEAKERS: Two of the four “Fox and Friends”; the bird-watcher Karen; and Senator Tim Scott, of South Carolina.

  • Film by Dinesh D’Souza: “The New Gift of the Magi: A Baker Who Refused to Make a Cake for a Gay Couple and a Gay Couple Who Refused to Wear Masks in a Bakery.”

  • 8 P.M.-10 P.M.: Unscheduled trip to Walter Reed hospital (private).

  • Ladies and Gentlemen, Kellyanne Conway (cancelled).

  • REMARKS BY PRESIDENT TRUMP: “The Russia Hoax” (prerecorded).

  • Senator Lindsey Graham: “I agree with everything Trump just said.”

  • KEYNOTE ADDRESS: Eric Trump, “Fond Remembrances of Our Chauffeur Jorge . . . or Was It José?”

  • R.N.C. AFTER HOURS: “Frazzledrip” in IMAX 70-mm.

Night 3

  • THEME: “Nepotism,” hosted by Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s pal Tobin.

  • The Pledge of Allegiance, led by the Deutsche Bank Board of Directors.

  • INVOCATION: “John Barron.”

  • PERFORMANCE: Scott Baio/Ted Nugent duet backed by the Russian Bot Chorus.

  • FEATURED SPEAKERS: M.B.S.’s Saudi hit team; Stephen Miller’s smirk; and Senator Tim Scott, of South Carolina.

  • Surprise experimental vaccination, grape-flavored.

  • REMARKS BY PRESIDENT TRUMP: “The Russia Hoax” (prerecorded).

  • Rebuttal by President Trump: “I never said that” (also prerecorded).

  • KEYNOTE ADDRESS: Donald Trump, Jr., shoots and kills a baby hippo.

  • Vice-President Mike Pence accepts the nomination from the male members of the convention.
    Note: Female members, please remain on standby in case it is Nikki Haley.

  • R.N.C. AFTER HOURS: Shower time with the O.S.U. wrestling team, hosted by Representative Jim Jordan.

Night 4

  • THEME: “We wish you well, Ghislaine Maxwell,” hosted by Alan Dershowitz.

  • The Pledge of Allegiance with two extra mentions of “God,” led by Sean Hannity.

  • INVOCATION: Bibi Netanyahu.

  • PERFORMANCE: Hollywood celebrities you thought were dead.

  • FEATURED SPEAKERS: Jared Kushner’s ex-con father; an assault rifle; and Senator Tim Scott, of South Carolina.

  • HIGHLIGHTS: In November, 2015, Trump met Serge Kovaleski, who suffers from arthrogryposis. Tonight, a video of that meeting will be shown, and the entire convention will make fun of Kovaleski’s handicap. First prize: a one-year membership at Mar-a-Lago. Second prize: a two-year membership at Mar-a-Lago.

  • KEYNOTE ADDRESS: Ivanka.

  • NOMINATION SPEECH: “Donald Trump: An American Meandering.”
    Note: President Trump will deliver his acceptance speech LIVE (prerecorded) as he rides from the fourteenth to the fifteenth hole at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey.

  • 11 P.M.: Cancellation of election; martial law; fireworks display over Lincoln Memorial.

  • Gavel out.

  • Invited guests of the R.N.C. stay at the Trump International Hotel, Washington, D.C. (formerly the United States Post Office headquarters). For discount, use code: EMOLUMENTS.

All speakers are reminded not to mention COVID-19 or any of its victims.

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