The 2020 Republican National Convention, Washington, D.C.
Schedule of Events
Night 1
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THEME: “Cabinet Members Ethics Violations,” hosted by the MyPillow Guy.
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Gavel in and call to order by an eighth-grader from Tampa we’re pretty sure is Q.
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Confederate Pledge of Allegiance, led by Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
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INVOCATION: MAGA-Hat Kid, “My Idea of What a Native American Prayer Probably Sounds Like.”
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Report from the Platform Committee(cancelled). -
TONIGHT’S FEATURED SPEAKERS: The St. Louis racist couple; Susan Collins’s “concern”; and Senator Tim Scott, of South Carolina.
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PERFORMANCE: Antonio Sabàto, Jr., and the Tiki-Torch Dancers. (Tiki-Torch Dancers appearance subject to scheduling availability.)
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Time-Share Opportunities at Trump International Hotel & Tower Baku: Only ninety minutes, and all participants get a two-hundred-dollar Visa gift card.
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Montage of Republicans who sadly cannot be with us, owing to long-standing commitments for teeth-cleaning and dropping their children off at online college.
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“EXECUTIVE TIME.”
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OPENING REMARKS BY PRESIDENT TRUMP: “The Russia Hoax” (prerecorded).
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Senator Mitch McConnell: “I did not hear Trump’s opening remarks.”
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3 A.M.: KEYNOTE ADDRESS, Tiffany Trump.
Night 2
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THEME: “A Salute to John Lewis . . . ’s Attackers on the Edmund Pettus Bridge,” hosted by Goya beans.
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Russian Pledge of Allegiance, led by James Woods.
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INVOCATION: Jerry Falwell, Jr., “Jesus Was Also a Watcher of Men.”
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PERFORMANCE: Dean Cain and the Tiki-Torch Dancers. (Tiki-Torch Dancers appearance subject to scheduling availability.)
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FEATURED SPEAKERS: Two of the four “Fox and Friends”; the bird-watcher Karen; and Senator Tim Scott, of South Carolina.
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Film by Dinesh D’Souza: “The New Gift of the Magi: A Baker Who Refused to Make a Cake for a Gay Couple and a Gay Couple Who Refused to Wear Masks in a Bakery.”
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8 P.M.-10 P.M.: Unscheduled trip to Walter Reed hospital (private).
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Ladies and Gentlemen, Kellyanne Conway(cancelled). -
REMARKS BY PRESIDENT TRUMP: “The Russia Hoax” (prerecorded).
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Senator Lindsey Graham: “I agree with everything Trump just said.”
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KEYNOTE ADDRESS: Eric Trump, “Fond Remembrances of Our Chauffeur Jorge . . . or Was It José?”
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R.N.C. AFTER HOURS: “Frazzledrip” in IMAX 70-mm.
Night 3
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THEME: “Nepotism,” hosted by Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s pal Tobin.
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The Pledge of Allegiance, led by the Deutsche Bank Board of Directors.
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INVOCATION: “John Barron.”
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PERFORMANCE: Scott Baio/Ted Nugent duet backed by the Russian Bot Chorus.
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FEATURED SPEAKERS: M.B.S.’s Saudi hit team; Stephen Miller’s smirk; and Senator Tim Scott, of South Carolina.
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Surprise experimental vaccination, grape-flavored.
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REMARKS BY PRESIDENT TRUMP: “The Russia Hoax” (prerecorded).
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Rebuttal by President Trump: “I never said that” (also prerecorded).
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KEYNOTE ADDRESS: Donald Trump, Jr., shoots and kills a baby hippo.
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Vice-President Mike Pence accepts the nomination from the male members of the convention.
Note: Female members, please remain on standby in case it is Nikki Haley. -
R.N.C. AFTER HOURS: Shower time with the O.S.U. wrestling team, hosted by Representative Jim Jordan.
Night 4
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THEME: “We wish you well, Ghislaine Maxwell,” hosted by Alan Dershowitz.
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The Pledge of Allegiance with two extra mentions of “God,” led by Sean Hannity.
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INVOCATION: Bibi Netanyahu.
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PERFORMANCE: Hollywood celebrities you thought were dead.
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FEATURED SPEAKERS: Jared Kushner’s ex-con father; an assault rifle; and Senator Tim Scott, of South Carolina.
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HIGHLIGHTS: In November, 2015, Trump met Serge Kovaleski, who suffers from arthrogryposis. Tonight, a video of that meeting will be shown, and the entire convention will make fun of Kovaleski’s handicap. First prize: a one-year membership at Mar-a-Lago. Second prize: a two-year membership at Mar-a-Lago.
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KEYNOTE ADDRESS: Ivanka.
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NOMINATION SPEECH: “Donald Trump: An American Meandering.”
Note: President Trump will deliver his acceptance speech LIVE (prerecorded) as he rides from the fourteenth to the fifteenth hole at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey. -
11 P.M.: Cancellation of election; martial law; fireworks display over Lincoln Memorial.
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Gavel out.
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Invited guests of the R.N.C. stay at the Trump International Hotel, Washington, D.C. (formerly the United States Post Office headquarters). For discount, use code: EMOLUMENTS.
All speakers are reminded not to mention COVID-19 or any of its victims.
