Dear Pepper,
I’ve relaxed my strictness about pandemic protocol to the point where I’m comfortable having socially distant visits outdoors with small numbers of friends. After months of isolation and worry, I feel that it should be time for me to start catching up with people. The problem is that I️ have zero motivation to see anyone.
The social-distance visits I️’ve had so far are just, well, exhausting. It’s hard for me to concentrate on the nuances of my friends’ lives—the nightmarish child-care scenarios, how people’s parents are coping, who’s watching what on TV, endless bureaucratic adventures with filing for unemployment and figuring out health insurance, who’s taking the subway and for what reason, long-distance-dating drama, etc.
I️ tend to zone out when my friends are speaking, and to focus, instead, on wondering when it would be polite for me to go. The worst thing is that I️ always leave the hangout after the requisite hour and a half feeling guilty that I️ hurt my friends’ feelings—my disinterest shows, I’m sure.
If I were to follow my heart, I’d turn down most invitations. To be quite honest, I’m happy staying in my apartment with my boyfriend, and seeing my immediate family or a very close friend once every few weeks. I️ hate to admit it, but I️ really, really enjoy being a little bit alone.
I️ know, objectively, that I️ value my friends. I also know that friendship takes work and that, since I️’m comfortable with a certain amount of socializing at the moment, I️ should put the work in now. I fear that, if I don’t, I’ll risk losing the friendships that make my life interesting and varied.
Should I️ continue to push myself to see people? Or should I️ follow my id and just drop off the face of the earth? God knows I have a good excuse right now.
Sincerely,
Salt
Dear Salt,
Each person can handle a finite number of good friends, and a finite number of acquaintances.
We are all learning new things about ourselves during this long, strange, multifaceted crisis. I️ believe you may have learned that you have too many friends.
My advice: let go of the obligations that you feel toward your friends. And be an even better friend to the ones you actually want to see.
You might have room for more friends at some point in the future. But you can’t plan for that now. All you can do now is focus on the details. The view out your window, the space you share with your boyfriend, the work in front of you, and your small circle of intimates. Give yourself permission to enjoy these things.
Sincerely,
Pepper
Dear Pepper,
I️ haven’t seen my twin brother—whom I’ll call Steve—since December. We’d been planning to see each other at my wedding, in March, but my wedding was cancelled. Steve lives in another state, a ten-hour drive from my wife—whom I’ll call Sylvie—and me. (We did get married, just without a wedding.)
Sylvie and I made plans months ago to rent a house in Steve’s city, so we could spend some time with him. The house is large, with room for the three of us and Steve’s boyfriend—let’s call him Bill—to stay together and keep socially distant.
We are renting the house for a week. Steve confirmed, back in March, before we rented the place, that he and Bill would both be able to join us.
Well, the trip is three days from now, and guess what? Steve just breezily cancelled, via text message! Apparently, Bill accidentally double-booked them—he made plans to go camping with friends. I️ asked Steve if he and Bill (or he alone) could split the difference—spend half the week with us, and half with their friends. But he seemed hesitant to answer, so I️ backed off.
It’s impossible to get a refund for the rental house. Besides, Sylvie and I️ are both essential workers, and it was hard for us to coördinate this week of shared vacation.
It’s hard to formulate a question here, but let me try:
Should we tell Steve how hurt we are?
Should we beg him to come, even though he obviously doesn’t want to?
Should we cancel our trip, even though we won’t be able to afford to go anywhere else?
We have no reason to visit Steve’s city, other than to see Steve, especially now that everything is closed. Neither Sylvie nor I️ was looking forward to the ten-hour drive, or to the risks inherent in travel during a pandemic.
I️ know that there are more important things to worry about right now. But this is what’s been consuming me.
Sincerely,
Carlos
Dear Carlos,
First of all, yes, you should tell Steve that you’re hurt. I️ think it will make you feel better. And it will clue him in to what’s going on in your heart, in case he’s really that dense and doesn’t already know. It sounds like you kind of begged him to come stay with you for even part of the week, and he kind of said no. You can try again. But you can’t force him to change his mind, wrong as he was to cancel on you in this way.
As for travelling ten hours to his city to stay in an empty rental house, it seems like an unwieldy and unnecessary trip. I personally think you should just stay home, and suffer the financial loss, unless there’s anything inside you and your wife that says you want to travel just for the sake of travel. It sounds like you don’t. I️ wouldn’t, either.
It’s clear that you care a lot about your brother. Hopefully, he hasn’t been this selfish in the past, and won’t be this selfish in the future. I️ urge you to protect yourself next time. Maybe don’t be so selfless as to rent a house near him in hopes that he’ll come stay with you. But be kind to him, too, and be ready for the moment when (I am crossing my paw-fingers) he returns your kindness.
The pain you’re feeling is valid and rational, so honor it—but try to look past it as well. It’s quite possible that Steve is in some kind of trouble—emotionally, or in his relationship. These are extremely hard times, and a lot of people are acting strangely for all kinds of reasons. So it’s a good moment to be extra forgiving toward ourselves and our loved ones. Stay in touch with Steve. Keep an eye out for signs that he might need help.
Finally, I️ hope that you and Sylvie can still manage to have a nice week off. Try not to think about Steve during your break from work. If you can’t have a vacation with him, you can at least have a vacation from him.
Sincerely,
Pepper
