Dear Valued Customer,
We have received your refund request for the Def Leppard concert tickets you purchased in January. First of all, let us say that we completely understand why you made this request, even though we haven’t actually cancelled this event but have just postponed it to a future date that is yet to be determined but definitely exists, we think.
We are entirely prepared to issue you a full refund for the tickets—assuming that this is something you still want and not something you changed your mind about after reading that previous sentence emphasizing how the concert has simply been postponed, not cancelled. Please take some time to think about whether you still want a full refund, and please keep in mind that the memory of going to this definitely not-cancelled concert will last forever, whereas the money you would be refunded would probably only last for a few minutes, given that the many prior messages you sent us made it pretty clear that you would have to spend it almost immediately on back rent.
So, you’re sure you still want the refund? Well, O.K., then. We’re definitely prepared to give it to you, and we’re only repeating ourselves to show you how serious we are about that, not to make this message intimidatingly long to the point where you get frustrated enough to just stop reading and let us keep your money.
The first thing you’re going to have to do to get your refund is explain why you want it. I guess we could have done the standard thing and let you choose a prewritten option with some short and boring reason, such as “event postponed,” but because we value your individuality so much we’re going to let you write your own explanation! Doesn’t that sound fun? Your answer must be at least five thousand characters long or you will be unable to proceed to the next step.
The second thing you’ll have to do is explain the difference between the words “cancelled” and “postponed.” We’re still not totally convinced you understand that they aren’t synonyms, and if, after thinking about this for a while, you decide that you don’t want a refund after all—hey, that’s great!
The third thing you’re going to have to do is explain the causes of the Protestant Reformation. Please be thorough.
And, finally, we’re going to need you to record a video of yourself pinpointing the exact moment when you realized that it was no longer worth it to you to spend money to hear the music of Def Leppard. We will then send that video to the band’s drummer, Rick Allen, to help him understand why relearning how to play the drums after losing his left arm, in a car crash, was ultimately just a waste of time.
O.K., and we’re all set! With the first phase! The second phase is much longer, and, yes, it does require you to revise your essay on the Protestant Reformation. Your first draft did not devote nearly enough attention to the 1521 Edict of Worms.
All right, and, for the last phase, we’re just going to need you to reënter your credit-card number; yell at us on the phone two more times; reënter your credit-card number again, because we lost it; sign an affidavit affirming that you will not use this money to buy tickets to a Quiet Riot concert; give us a blood sample, just for fun; reënter your credit-card number again, because we enjoy watching the rage build up inside of you; and—there you go! You’re all set, and your refund should arrive within six to eight coronavirus waves. Thank you for your continued support during these difficult times.
Sincerely,
MasterNationLiveTicketCompany
