Sisyphus Breathing
Observe how you fill your lungs with air and then push that air out through your mouth. Be present with each inhale and exhale. Do this until you’ve forgotten how to breathe automatically and are forced to continue breathing this way forever in order to stay alive: in, out, in, out, in, out—never stopping, always observing. Think about how your body must do this every minute of every day, and how if this system is ever interrupted, even for a brief period of time, that’s the end for you. It’s a wonder you haven’t spontaneously asphyxiated. Yet.
Contemplate similarly constant systems in your body, such as the heart pumping your blood. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. What if it stopped? That happens sometimes to people, when they least expect it. And how does the blood coursing through your veins not erode their soft interiors, the way a river erodes canyon walls? Can that happen? Oh, shit—remember to breathe.
Superego Technique
Breathe in for a measure of two, then purse your lips and stop considering the inevitabilities of your circulatory system. Why are your shoulders tensing up? It should be the opposite. You are doing it wrong. Why do you always do everything wrong? Try again. Oh, no, it’s even worse now. Relax your shoulders, damn it! This is exactly why you never accomplish any goal you set. Breathing techniques work for your friend Jessica and for the host of that podcast you like, so they should damn well work for you. Jessica experiences anxiety and depression and the podcast host is candid with her audience about her own struggles with mental health, and you don’t see them whining about how they can’t get breathing techniques to work. This is why you don’t have a podcast.
Wait, is the air supposed to exit through your mouth or your nose?
Trapped-Air Breathing
Well, now you’re just swallowing the air—that’s definitely not supposed to happen. Your intestines won’t appreciate that later on tonight. Speaking of gut health, maybe you should start making kombucha again, for the probiotics. That should help the chronic stomach aches. Although, the last time you tried D.I.Y. fermenting, your friend’s girlfriend told you that she heard of someone who died from a brain infection because of homemade kombucha, so you threw yours out. You definitely don’t want to die of a brain infection. Hold your breath in until it feels like you’re trying to hold off a train that’s barrelling toward you and no one will help.
Paper Bag
Something’s wrong. Something’s definitely wrong. Pinpricks all over your skin, especially your scalp. Body light as a plastic bag floating around, and causing just as much harm to society. You pace the floorboards before entering the pantry, where you notice a stack of brown-paper bags like the one your brother once forced you to use when he was babysitting right after he spit in your mouth and you proceeded to cry uncontrollably until you hyperventilated, which is also happening right now. You grab one and breathe in, and out, in, and out, in, and out.
Ah, the old classic.
