Dear Employee,
On behalf of the federal government and the Republican Party, I would like to thank you for your dedication to the United States Postal Service. Some might say that the work you do is indispensable to the democratic process. As you well know, the U.S.P.S. is not just an independent agency empowered by the Constitution: it’s also a family. And, like any family, we do exactly as we are told by the President of the United States.
Today, I am pleased to share with you some updated best practices for mail delivery. The timing of these changes of course has nothing to do with the 2020 election being largely decided by mail-in votes.
First and foremost, there will be no more Priority Mail. Mail is no longer a priority to the U.S. Postal Service. If you find a piece of loose mail, do not pick it up. If you want, you can kick it under some leaves, or into the gutter.
If a stamp is not perfectly level or aesthetically pleasing, return to sender.
Snow, rain, heat, and gloom of night shall now absolutely stay you from the swift completion of your appointed rounds.
As a cost-cutting measure, working overtime and/or making additional trips to deliver mail are now prohibited. The less postal work you do, the higher your chances are of receiving a promotion. For example, I was once a mere mega-donor who had never even set foot inside a post office, and now look at me!
In response to overblown concerns regarding routine mailbox removals, we will now be adding more mailboxes to streets all across America. These new drop points, however, will be decoys, and it is up to the customer to know which are the real boxes.
If your mail truck gets lost, damaged, or stolen, that is perfectly O.K. In fact, it’s encouraged.
Mail carriers now have the option to complete their routes via bicycle.
Mail carriers now have the option not to complete their routes.
Professionalism is also now optional. Carriers may continue to greet civilians with a friendly demeanor and warm smile, or they may choose to swear, spit, blow smoke in civilians’ faces, and drink excessively while on the job.
Do not concern yourself with the twenty-three senior Postal Service officials I recently “displaced.” You should instead be busy displacing mail!
If you see any envelopes addressed to my wife, please forward them to Canada, where President Trump promised she’ll serve as Ambassador once I’ve finished “improving” the U.S.P.S.
Be more Zen in your approach to the job, which should be more about the journey than the destination. We value peace of mind more than any piece of mail, so feel free to take breaks, detours, crucial parts from letter-sorting machines—take anything at all as long as you don’t take the mail too seriously.
Finally, if you encounter a piece of mail that is a ballot, and the stamp smells like it was licked by a liberal, discard it.
By now you should know that I’m not some career postal worker with “experience” and “knowledge.” I’m here to shake things up! And sooner rather than later, as I may very well be doing something else come November.
God bless the U.S.P.S. I hope this letter does not find you well.
Worst,
Louis DeJoy
Postmaster General
