A dad hugs a smiling baby. Two seconds later, the baby is crying so hard that her father is afraid her lungs will explode. What will the mom say the dad did wrong?
A mom has a three-gallon jug of sensitive formula, a two-gallon jug of lactose-free formula, and a one-gallon jug of gentle-tummy formula. Why is the baby still as gassy as a long-haul trucker?
If a baby soils her diaper and both parents pretend not to notice, is the diaper really soiled?
A baby who’s sitting in front of his mom manages to projectile-vomit all over the mom’s back. Explain.
A baby is so exhausted that she can’t stop crying. Yet, when the mom places her baby in a bassinet, the baby lies creepily awake in the dark, her eyes wide open, unblinking. Is the baby doing this to troll the mom?
A baby has as many brothers as sisters and as many parents as siblings. How many people won’t sleep tonight? (Hint: include neighbors.)
If it’s 4 P.M. on Sunday and the baby hasn’t napped since 8 A.M. on Saturday—is the baby secretly doing cocaine?
A non-napping baby sits in her dad’s lap. The dad notices poop streaming down his leg, but when he lifts the baby up, her rear end appears to be clean. How is this happening?
A mom picks up a crying baby and burps him. After the baby burps, the mom changes the baby’s diaper. The mom gives the baby a pacifier. They do tummy time. The mom gives the baby a fist bump. Another burp. The mom tells the baby an age-appropriate joke. She bounces the baby in a way that does not constitute shaking. She gives the baby a bottle with two ounces of milk in it. She gives the baby an additional half-ounce of milk. She reads the baby an old Us Weekly, editing stories on couples that have subsequently broken up. She makes the nursery a degree colder. She puts the baby down for a nap. She rubs some oil on the baby’s legs and gives him a calming massage. She makes the nursery two degrees warmer. She changes the baby’s diaper. Why is the baby still crying?
A mom and dad and their crying baby haven’t left the apartment since they returned from the hospital, three months ago. They don’t even go grocery shopping. Is it still possible that they all somehow have COVID-19 and that’s why the baby doesn’t nap?
A mom hasn’t slept more than two consecutive hours since her baby was born and maybe is starting to get a little paranoid. As the baby nurses, the mom feels a slight tickle in the back of her throat. Is it possible she caught COVID-19 from a gust of wind that came in under the front door?
It’s 3 A.M. and a mom is still awake researching a variety of unlikely, yet still possible, ways one could theoretically contract COVID-19 without ever leaving one’s home and texting a dad links that he can read when he wakes up from his nap so they can take appropriate precautions. Their baby is somehow still wide awake, despite never having taken a nap in her entire life. Did the hospital make a mistake in letting the mom and dad take the baby home from the hospital?
A pediatrician has an “all hours” hotline, and yet the same doctor has requested that the mom stop calling the “all hours” hotline every night at 2 A.M. to ask about the likelihood that the family has contracted COVID-19 from air under the door. How is 2 A.M. both an hour and also not included in the definition of “all hours”?
If a baby does something cute in the background of a Zoom call on Monday, will the baby be verified on Twitter by Tuesday?
