Side-Eye Lunge
Step forward with your right foot and steady yourself as you log on to a Google Hangout with your extended family. If you struggle to remain calm, engage your core and mute Aunt Susan whenever she insists that what this country needs isn’t a COVID-19 vaccine but to stop cancelling people just because they’re racist.
Mental CrossFit
Set a timer and emotionally spiral as fast as you can. Scream for twenty minutes about all the different ways in which the government has failed you. For fifteen minutes, wring your hands while imagining what the country’s pandemic response would have been like if Bob Woodward had revealed Trump’s COVID-19 comments sooner. Add intensity by berating yourself for not having read all of Elena Ferrante’s novels during quarantine, which you might have accomplished if you weren’t so scared about the current state of affairs, probably.
Ten Thousand Steps Clicks
Stay informed and get your clicks in throughout the day by constantly refreshing FiveThirtyEight’s Presidential forecast and reading every article about climate change, even the ones behind a paywall. To prevent injury, do not click on any e-mails with the subject line “Vaccination Truthers,” forwarded to you by Aunt Susan.
Check the Mail
Go downstairs to see if you have any mail. Nope? Sure, it’s only 9 A.M., and the mail doesn’t arrive until two, but get your hopes up and repeatedly check anyway. Burn extra calories by praying that your mom will have cut out an article from Parade magazine and sent it to you, despite your having told her to stop doing that. Or that maybe you’ll receive a bunch of the same West Elm catalogues at once. Increase your heart rate by convincing yourself that this mail delay must be Postmaster General Louis DeJoy’s fault and is not because no one cares about you.
CryMaster
Place a glass of wine between your hands and sob uncontrollably. You can do this workout anywhere!
William Barr Method
Grab on to a stable surface and assume the pose of a man who looks like John Goodman but if John Goodman were terrifying and everyone hated him.
Kettle Chips
Hold a bag of potato chips in front of you and let it hang. Tuck your chin in and allow gravity to do the work as you rip open the bag of chips. Continue snacking for thirty minutes or until it’s time to check the mail again.
98 Degrees Yoga
Get into corpse pose and exhale as you let your fingers stretch and Google “Nick Lachey Jessica Simpson what happened.” Feel your thoughts expand as you wonder if now is really the time to be reading up on old celebrity gossip—shouldn’t you be confirming absentee-ballot deadlines or something? Exhale and release any judgment. You need this distraction. Achieve enlightenment as you finally get to the bottom of Nick and Jessica’s fourteen-year-old divorce.
Biden’s Boot Camp
Get your heart rate up and mobilize your friends to volunteer at phone banks and knock on doors to encourage people to register to vote. Do as many reps as you can before November. Maintain this routine, and you should see results soon.
