Bob Lamp (age 43): Six months out of the year, Bob Lamp, a.k.a. Rob Lamp, lives in Niagara, New York, where he works as an electrician. Bob is color-blind, which makes telling hot wires from the ground wire difficult. He doesn’t let this get in the way of his passion (sparks) and is electrocuted several times a year. When spring hits upstate New York, in July, Bob heads down to Arizona, just in time for the arid season. There, he manages a combination putt-putt course and rabbit petting zoo. It’s a financial and leporine disaster. Bob also belongs to a fantasy-football league that no longer does the fantasy part. It’s just a league that watches football. Bob will vote for whichever candidate reminds him the most of Bill Belichick.
Richard Sweater (47): Dick is a professional investor who lives in a refurbished prewar church in a wealthy Chicago suburb. To preserve the masonry of the church, Dick left it uninsulated, making it astronomically expensive to heat each winter, which lasts nine months. Dick made his fortune during the tech boom and has since mostly invested in “passion projects,” such as an acoustic keyboard and edible soap. If Dick’s tech money ever dries up (it will), he plans to sell his castle mansion and move onto his yacht. Dick does not actually know how to care for or pilot the boat himself, but he does have a really nice nautical-knot coffee-table book that he does coke off of while listening to “The Joe Rogan Experience.” Dick hasn’t voted in the last four elections on account of Tuesday being his “me day.”
Sally Finger (27): Sally is a sandwich artist living in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. She is under the impression that she will be able to vote in the next U.S. Presidential election. She is unaware that Toronto is not a U.S. city. She has never actually crossed the Canada-U.S. border. She considers herself a moderate centrist.
Kip Parakeet (74): Kip is a retiree from the travel-and-entertainment industry who lost his job after surviving a cruise-ship accident. The cruise ship was fine, but Kip fell into a chocolate fountain, scalding his right arm, the one he used for his balloon-animal performance. He now runs a business that sells balloon animals on Etsy. So far, he’s had to refund three balloon poodles and two balloon giraffes. The business has cost him six hundred and twelve dollars in refunds and shipping fees. His three ex-wives all went on to eventually marry more stable people and are much happier for it. Kip has never registered to vote, because “that’s how they get you.”
Khristyn Brick (33): Khristyn does marketing for an artisanal meat shop in the Hamptons. She also runs a highly trafficked vegan blog on Instagram. She has spent the COVID-19 pandemic “focussing on the positive.” She doesn’t believe in masks—“either medical or subconscious.” She is currently recovering from an infection that she acquired after her body rejected a lip-filler injection. Instead of using antibiotics, she has opted to treat the infection with raw, unpasteurized milk that she rubs all over her mouth. She believes that there is no difference between the two political parties and that every politician is a pedophile. (She doesn’t know what a pedophile is.)
Bill Hair (46): Bill sells experimental tents out of a van that he parks in a mall parking lot. His business is called Two Tents, though unironically. He’s had “the tent joke” retold to him many, many times, and he still just doesn’t get it. But if you want to talk experimental tents, he’s your guy! Bill has murdered four people. He has much more pressing things to worry about than an election.
David Juice (35): David is a full-time student at Frostburg State University. He has changed majors many, many times. His stepdad has told him that, as long as he is attending school, his expenses will be paid, so David has been enrolled in college for seventeen years. This is the first year he’s lived off campus, after being told that he’s too old to be in a dorm. David has never tried cilantro or performed oral sex because they “seem weird.” David identifies as an independent, but he doesn’t vote, because it “seems like something that’s just for grownups.”
Tammy Basket (54): Tammy is a decorating coach in Disney Village, Florida. Mostly her job is encouraging middle-aged divorcées to invest in more seashell-themed décor from Home Goods. In her downtime, Tammy likes to visit Disney World, for which she has a year-round pass. She’s been on every ride except the Haunted Mansion, because Tammy is not comfortable with the occult. Tammy usually votes the way she imagines Dick Van Dyke (in “Mary Poppins”) would vote, but she is uncertain which way that would be in this election, so she plans to sit this one out. She rationalizes not voting by saying, “Florida’s not that important of a state anyway, is it?”
