MEMO FROM THE WHITE HOUSE OFFICE OF SPECIAL PROJECTS:
Now that the general election is kind of, sort of, behind us, I think we can all agree that healing our fractured nation is job No. 1. And what better way to mend our wounds than by creating an exciting new program for our top youths?
Gentlemen and Ivanka, I present the Trump Scouts!
With the original Boy Scouts being forced to admit not only girls but also gay girls, nonbinary-sexuals (is that the same as bisexual?), and everything in between, there is an urgent need for a traditional program that instills core values in our growing boys. (Also, we lost the eighteen-to-thirty-fives bigly, so if we want any shot at a term for Don, Jr., we will need the youthful, extra-constitutional energy of middle schoolers.)
Picture, if you will, thousands of ruddy-cheeked Trump Scouts cavorting in the woods, swimming in swift, icy rivers, and singing “My Old Kentucky Home, Good-Night!” around a campfire. Suburban kids have become weak, lazy, and “woke.” The Trump Scouts will bring them back to an earlier time, when manliness meant gutting a trout and flinging its innards at squealing wimps, or running around naked after a dip and chasing the wussies with sharp sticks in an entirely heterosexual manner. They’ll make acorn pancakes every morning, using hot rocks as a griddle, and then slather them with Aunt Jemima! (What an inspired idea President Trump had signing an executive order that mandated the return of America’s most beloved imitation maple syrup!)
On Day One, each Scout will be given a copy of “The Art of the Deal” and five dollars. After three weeks, the boy who ends up with everyone else’s money will be the “boss” Scout.
The uniform: I’m seeing brown for some reason, at least for the shirts, but we should let Ivanka go wild with the design.
The Jamboree: The highlight of each year will be a gathering of all the Scouts across the nation at a weeklong Jamboree. On the final night, the entrance of the Scout-in-Chief will be one for the history books. Riding a bison or a tank? Lowered from some sort of hovering Space Force prototype? And it is here that we will unveil the special dress uniform that he has been working on since his first day in the Oval Office. Composed of all the medals, ribbons, epaulets, and sashes confiscated from disgraced generals (so many!), it will cover every last inch of him, from spats to hat, with glory. And the cape! Wait until you see the cape.
Sturgis, South Dakota, seems the most logical location for the Jamboree, since the townspeople there are accustomed to a yearly influx of huge crowds. And now their traditional client base is mainly dead.
Ranks: Our team hasn’t worked out precisely what the various Trump Scout ranks will be, but we’ll start with Apprentice and will go all the way to Grand Wizard. Just as in the now disgraced B.S.A., Trump Scouts will be able to earn merit badges—but only in subjects that are actually useful to keeping this nation on the path to greatness. Here are just a few.
Land surveying: Every night is taco night as you camp under the stars along the southernmost edges of Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico. It’ll be just you and a tripod with a pirate-like spyglass thing on top, an assault rifle, and maybe some wooden stakes to pound into the ground.
Communications: Now that One American News is on its way to acquiring NBC to become OANBC, our friends over there are in need of anchors, reporters, camera-whatevers, you name it. With the staff of MSNBC planning to defect north, to the CBC, the first Trump Scouts to sign up might even find themselves sitting at Rachel Maddow’s old desk! Enjoy those Toronto winters, Rachel—eh?
Private investigator: Solve a real case, just like a real private eye! In addition to receiving a merit badge stitched with shiny metallic thread, Scouts are eligible to collect the bounty that President Trump has offered for the First Lady’s whereabouts. The lucky boy who finds her will also get an internship with Rudolph Giuliani’s law firm and preferred enrollment at Ukraine’s Igor Sikorsky Kyiv Polytechnic Institute.
And don’t think we’ve forgotten about the fairer sex. Girls deserve their own traditional organization, complete with uniforms and jingoistic sing-alongs. So we are also excited to announce the Trump Little-Lady Scouts: a national brigade of high-kicking cheerleaders! The only requirement is that you be taller than five-ten and weigh less than a hundred and nine pounds. POTUS himself has volunteered to design the outfits. Gimme a T! ♦
