Who Gets the Vaccine, and in What Order?: A Comprehensive List

There’s a vaccine—several, actually. “Interesting,” you say. “Gimme.” Hold on there, tiger. The question of who should be immunized first, and who should have to wait, is a big one. The prioritization of one individual’s health over another’s is a complex and morally fraught process, wherein merit and societal worth are calibrated on a grand scale. It is a daunting task. Neither Project Warp Speed, nor individual states, has announced the order in which the coronavirus vaccine will be distributed. Not to worry. I’ve taken care of it. You’re welcome.

1. Doctors, obviously—they work on the front lines every day, keeping us safe.

2. The elderly, who are most at risk.

3. Freelance writers who have been so disciplined about their pizza consumption during the pandemic that they have, in fact, lost 2.3 pounds.

4. Nurses and E.M.T.s.

5. Firefighters.

6. Charli D’Amelio.

7. Teachers.

8. Less popular elderly people who we’re kind of on the fence about.

9. Farmers.

10. Clergy.

11. Any persons involved in delivering the PlayStation 5 in a safe and timely manner.

12. Bartenders.

13. Professional athletes.

14. The smart teachers who waited to see how the vaccine affected that first batch of teachers.

15. Whoever produces “The Crown.” In fact, everyone at Netflix, and the staff of Hulu and Amazon Prime, too. Basically, anyone insuring that we never have to pick up a book again.

16. Pilots.

17. The T.S.A. and D.H.S. (Safety first, no? No! We need to GTFO.)

18. The good-looking.

19. The less good-looking, but those of us really putting in the effort.

20. Pharmacists, starting with the lax ones.

21. Santa.

22. Butchers, bakers, Fenty Beauty Match Stix makers.

23. Dentists, ophthalmologists, podiatrists—those medical specialists whose office we leave thinking, That money could have gone to a massage.

24. Anyone who just completed an impressive parallel park—come on, did you see that?

25. Polic—or let’s just say “civil servants,” and leave it at that.

26. Most everybody else.

27. Grad students.

28. Dogs, just in case.

29. Those guys (it’s always guys) who drive extra-noisy motorbikes.

30. Fashion people, who, it turns out, we didn’t need after all.

31. NXIVM members.

32. Life coaches.

33. My exes, but not Jennifer, because I don’t even think about her anymore.

34. Proud Boys (let their pride buoy their immune systems).

35. Whoever made Zoom.

36. Anti-maskers.

37. Murderers.

38. Logan Paul.

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