Being in a relationship—who has the time? I mean, I personally do, if Josh from Bumble is reading this, but some people don’t. Fortunately, the way we date is changing, and you can get what you need without committing to one long-term mate. Here, we suggest a few dating combinations with the same cumulative effect as having one male romantic partner.
A socially distanced date, minus a Zoom date, plus a date you had to get COVID-tested for, divided by unsuccessfully flirting with the guy who handed you the swab, multiplied by having sex for the first time since January. (Lockdown started in March, I know.)
An ex who still calls to unload all his problems on you and should be in therapy for his mommy issues, plus a future ex who never shares anything and should also be in therapy for his mommy issues.
A dick pic, plus being asked out in person.
A nod from the hot guy in Whole Foods that meets your self-esteem needs for the day, plus ten chocolate-covered almonds to meet your caloric needs for the day. The chocolate on the almonds can be dark or milk, but the guy from Whole Foods has to be Rick at register six, because Tom at register nine winks. Like, with one eye. I know we need to find ways to connect while wearing masks, but not like that. Never like that.
Prince Harry, minus Meghan Markle.
Twenty per cent off at Nordstrom when buying the perfect date outfit, plus light flirting in your D.M.s that never evolves into a reason to wear it. (Note: If Nordstrom gives you a cash refund, this is actually better than a relationship.)
Three rotating sexual partners, minus your menstrual cycle, plus being in a COVID pod with your four best friends, minus hating one of your four best friends.
The guy from Hinge who talks incessantly about how much he loves going down on women but isn’t any good at it, plus your vibrator, multiplied by cancelling plans with him again to spend time with your vibrator. In the event that your vibrator dies, multiply by zero because you now have nothing.
A guy who will pose as your boyfriend on Instagram, and that’s it.
Your actual boyfriend, minus his personality. At first, his dullness was perfect because you could project your opinions onto him, but now it’s tiring being the one carrying every single conversation. Damn it, Ryan, at this point, I’d like it if you were a COVID truther, just so you’d say something surprising for once.
Being free from your boring relationship, minus your aunt getting drunk and reminding you that your second cousin is not only adopted but also single, plus a one-night stand with someone who has the antibodies, minus that one-night stand being with your adopted second cousin.
A spouse, minus their financial and emotional needs.
All the money you spent on your friends’ weddings last year, multiplied by all the time you spent attending those weddings, multiplied by all the people who asked if you’d brought a date, multiplied by wondering if you’re going to feel this lonely forever, divided by the wedding cake, minus the fact that you might never have to go to a wedding again. We’re not bringing back weddings after all this, right? Right?!
The knowledge that you don’t need a relationship to feel fulfilled . . . plus a relationship.
