If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that there are a lot of streaming services these days. What with HBO Max, CBS All Access, Hoopla, Dendryte, and Kirkland—the new streaming service for Costco members offering only Kirk Douglas movies—it can be difficult to keep track of what’s available where. With so many excellent options, and Crackle, how am I supposed to know how to watch “The Office”?
Don’t worry, watching “The Office” is easier than ever. For Seasons 1 and 2, you can continue to use your Netflix subscription. All the episodes will be there. However, once you reach the end of Season 2, Netflix will start auto-playing its new original series “The Workplace,” starring Bob Saget and the kid from “Stranger Things” (no, not that one). It’s a show about the employees of a cardboard factory in the fictional town of Scrambles, Castlevania, and in Episode 12 they all get Queer-Eyed.
To watch Season 3 and beyond, you will need to get a Peacock subscription, but it’s not quite that simple. Peacock is owned by NBC Universal/Comcast, the same people who brought you some of your favorite fictional characters, including Shrek, Coach Taylor, and Blake Shelton. That’s why, if you sign up for a free Peacock account, you can watch “The Office,” but with the character of Andy replaced by a Minion. All you Ed Helms-heads (Ed Helmets) can pay $4.99 a month for Peacock Helms, where Andy is still a Minion, but seamlessly inserted into scenes from the movie “Chappaquiddick,” featuring Ed Helms as the Minion and Ted Kennedy confidante Joseph Gargan.
To watch Season 4, you’ll have to talk to your stepdad, Mark. He still has the old DVD boxed set and can ship it to you. The thing is, first you’ll have to get on a call with him, and he’ll start talking about how he never tried to replace your dad. You’ll say you never expected him to, and even though you won’t mean it to sound confrontational, he’s going to take it that way. He won’t say anything, but as soon as you finally receive the boxed set in the mail and pop disk one into the old laptop you only keep around because it has a disk drive, your mom will call you to talk about how rude you were to Mark. You’ll be, like, “I wasn’t rude! What did I say?” To which your mom will reply, “You know what you said. That thing about your father.” You’ll try to defend yourself, but it’ll be too late and your mom will start quietly crying. And you’ll tell her you didn’t mean to make her cry, and she’ll tell you that she deserves to be happy and hang up, at which point you might not be in the mood for “The Office” anymore.
To watch Season 5, you will need to download it from the Pirate Bay. You might be thinking, That’s illegal and the government will come after me. To which we say, O.K., but you’ll get to be a pirate. And you’ll get to wear pirate outfits to pick up your nephew from daycare. And all the other kids are going to be jealous of your nephew. And you’ll be his hero, and, oh shit, look at the time, you forgot to pick up your nephew from daycare because you were watching the episode with the company picnic and Googling where to buy a parrot.
To watch Season 6, you will need to make a deal with the village crone. You’ll have to go to her house on the hill. At one point, they were going to tear down the house to build a luxury condo, but then there was that strange fire. Once you’re there, ask her to show you what lies beneath the shroud of reality. She’ll let you watch Season 6 on her new Roku TV, but every two episodes she will reveal how one of your loved ones will die. She’ll tell you about your high-school physics teacher’s boating accident way before she tells you about Mark’s gentle death in his sleep, and that will make you feel bad.
To watch Season 7, you will need to go deep into the forest. There, you will meet a pair of twins, standing before two doors. One of them can only tell lies and the other can only tell the truth. Behind one of the doors is Season 7 of “The Office.” Behind the other door, you will encounter certain death and the complete series of “Joey” on Blu-ray. Ask the correct question and you’ll get to watch the episode where Michael leaves Dunder Mifflin. Ask the wrong one and you’ll be, like, Wow, I didn’t know Joey’s nephew was played by the same guy who plays the manager in the “Josie and the Pussycats” movie.
To watch Seasons 8 and 9, you can go on YouTube. They’re both there for free. But, as you watch, you will realize that, in hindsight, the Jim and Pam relationship reads as really toxic, and that the lives of these office drones seem way less compelling now that you are in your thirties and stuck in a job that you hate. Maybe we only crave these old shows because they remind us of a time when we didn’t bother to think hard enough about cultivating healthy relationships with women, or the way work can become your whole world, or how capitalism drains you physically and emotionally until you’re just going through the motions. And when you think about it, everyone you know leads this empty life. Except for Mark, who left his big job at the firm to be with your mom on the farm and raise cattle. And he’s so happy. Always. Hell, maybe he has it all figured out. I mean, he does have the boxed set of “The Office” on DVD. He doesn’t have to deal with any of this. And, look, James Spader tries his best, but the show’s just not the same.
To watch “The Office (UK),” you have to be insufferable.
