INTRODUCTION
Congratulations on the newest addition to your family, the ROBBIE 2-25-2021 (hereafter known as “The Baby”). This manual includes basic instructions to help you optimize The Baby’s performance and maximize its safety, as well as a detailed subsection on what “tummy time” is and why you have to call it that.
The Baby is a state-of-the-art newborn featuring a fine-detail crown of brownish-yellow curls, a 13.6-inch head circumference, dual-iris vision, and a left-cheek dimple just like Nana’s. With proper care and routine cleaning, The Baby is capable of furthering the bloodline and bringing an average of eighty-four years of joy.
GETTING STARTED
The Baby does not come fully charged. To ensure proper energy levels, supply it with milk that has come from a human breast. Please note that we are not responsible for any damage resulting from the use of formula. (Yeah, this guide’s judgmental.)
Upon The Baby’s arrival from the hospital, it may begin crying. This signals that the Baby is broken. Repair options include the following:
REGENERATION PROTOCOL
The Baby is designed to sleep peacefully for a minimum of seventeen hours a day, which you must spend tirelessly watching over The Baby to make sure everything is all right and that the sound The Baby just made isn’t anything to worry about. This is why your dad went bald.
For optimal energy restoration, it may be necessary for you to “sleep train” The Baby. This involves laying The Baby down and letting it scream-cry until it loses consciousness and begins regeneration protocol. During this period, you will be convinced that The Baby is in extreme pain, and that by not intervening you are doing it irreversible harm. You will feel like a monster.
Sorry, we guess?
USE AND HANDLING
Only touch The Baby with clean, dry hands that are not covered in the crumbs of the Cheez-Its that now make up the entirety of your diet.
Avoid parenting The Baby when tired, anxious, or stressed. For best results, hire a nanny. (Note that the extra workload required to afford a nanny will leave you tired, anxious, and stressed.)
The Baby comes fully compatible with cats, dogs, and most other standard-issue pets. If you’re one of those people who own an iguana or bird or something, ask yourself if Baby ownership is really the right thing for you.
The Baby does not come with college tuition included, but you knew that going in, right? Wait a minute. Did you really not think about that? You can’t even afford a new dryer—how are you going to come up with two hundred and forty grand? Mind you, that’s not including textbooks. Or the meal plan. You’ve got eighteen years. Ticktock.
INSTALLING NEW MENTAL SOFTWARE
The Baby does not come preloaded with the ABCs, knowledge of numerical digits, or the understanding that it’s O.K. to be different. Installation of this information is the responsibility of The Baby’s owner or, if we’re being honest, “Sesame Street.” And, while it would be funny, do not teach The Baby that there is a secret letter called “double-Q” that its teacher hasn’t told it about.
Though not recommended, uploading swear words to The Baby is unavoidable given that you’re perpetually exhausted, overworked, and—seriously? Honey, have you seen the remote that does the volume? Honestly, why can’t there just be one remote? Oh, great, the cat threw up again. Fuck!
It is vital that you impart your political beliefs to The Baby so that it will have something to say later in life when the subject of politics comes up. It does not matter what those beliefs are, what groups they may offend, or whether you can justify or even explain them. What matters is that The Baby is trained to cling to said beliefs no matter how wrong they are.
SMILING
At exactly five weeks and three days old, The Baby will smile at you and emit a pleasant high-pitched squeal. If The Baby does not do this, you have failed.
