Why did the United States make GoFundMe part of the government?
We conducted a survey and found that, when it comes to helping Americans meet their basic needs, people rated GoFundMe as “very effective” and the U.S. government as “dumpster fire.” So, we removed the option of “dumpster fire” from all future surveys and decided to build our very own national fund-raising site. Then we realized, Duh, we don’t know how to build a Web site! That’s when we just took GoFundMe by eminent domain.
How will you effectively integrate online fund-raising into the rest of government?
GoFundMe is now the main way we provide for American citizens, so a better question would be: How will you effectively integrate the rest of our government into GoFundMe? And our answer is: We’re running hard at GoFundMe, O.K., sweeties? Also, we’ve replaced all of GoFundMe’s tech-savvy employees with stodgy bureaucrats who will receive generous pensions.
What are some of the government services that Americans can now fund-raise for online?
Most Americans already rely on GoFundMe for food, rent, and medical care. Now they can contribute to Social Security, unemployment insurance, federal salaries, and military protection. Gofundme.gov is also the new source for stimulus reimbursement funds, so if you don’t get your fourteen-hundred-dollar check, you can blame your greedy, non-generous neighbor instead of us, O.K.? I mean, what—he doesn’t have five bucks to give?
Wait, could you go back and provide a few more details on how we’ll use GoFundMe to pay for the military?
Uh, sure, but it’s exactly what it seems like. Instead of coming to Congress, the Pentagon will publish future military projects on GoFundMe. Don’t worry: everything the Pentagon posts will be in Pig Latin, to protect national security. For example, if you see a page seeking funds for “arWay ithWay orthNay oreaKay,” that means we’re raising money to go to war with North Korea. Oops, guess now that one’s not a surprise.
Wouldn’t it be better to fix the broken health-care system and raise the minimum wage to remove the need for GoFundMe altogether, instead of leaning on GoFundMe to solve everything?
Wouldn’t it be better if we could all travel to the moon by train and the moon were made of ice cream and we could breathe on the moon and the moon were some magic place where American democracy still worked? Yeah! It would be better.
I am an immigrant child separated from my family at the border. Should I start a GoFundMe, or do you think that the government—
Yes. Do a GoFundMe.
Can I at least look cute in the photo that accompanies my stimulus-check fund-raiser?
Unfortunately, no. Now that GoFundMe is a government service, all photos have to either be official passport photos (white background, no smiling, face looks fat no matter what) or taken by the photographer who does all the photos for Post Office staff directories. The ones where everyone looks like a third-grade teacher in 1950.
If I choose to donate to a variety of causes, do I still have to pay the same amount of taxes?
No.
Well, that’s good news! How do I apply for the donation reimbursement on my tax form?
Oh, hold up. I’m sorry for the confusion, but you’ll actually have to pay way more taxes. If not for your (much) higher taxes, how would we provide salaries to the hundreds of thousands of GoFundMe civil servants—or maintain their giant, windowless, concrete cube of an office building?
This is really bad, right? This means we’re in bad shape as a country?
Oh, yes. Absolutely. But come on, you knew that! If you’re really concerned, why don’t you help out by working for America? Apply for a job at gofundme.gov by submitting your résumé via linkedin.gov, along with a deposit for your own salary (or a list of fifty friends who you feel confident would contribute). And remember—even with all of this, we’re still somehow the No. 1 country in the world! Isn’t that bananas?
