Is your boy beginning to show signs of toxic masculinity? Unnecessary aggression? Starting to look up to Dan Bilzerian? Then come on down to Lou’s Boy-Repair Shop! We’ll get your boy up and accessing the full range of human emotion in no time!
For more than thirty years, we’ve been the country’s most reliable source for fixing the damaged male psyche. We perform comprehensive machismo overhauls on boys of all ages and insecurity levels. Our technicians will restore your boy to the sweet little guy he once was, before his exposure to beer commercials, older brothers, and America.
We’re conveniently located next to the Duane Reade parking lot where your boy lied about his penis size.
If your boy is stuck in old patterns and needs help getting back on the road to feeling again, we offer a twenty-four-hour towing service to pull him out of the Barstool Sports message board. Headspace assistance is available upon request. If your boy’s empathy valve has been ruptured by demands to “man up,” ask about our collision-of-regressive-attitudes-with-evolving-society insurance.
At Lou’s, we believe that your boy works best when he’s not becoming a parody of his father. So we stock a wide range of role models for your boy to look up to, as well as cautionary tales (men who have taken pickup-artist classes).
Our staff is all male, because we pride ourselves on not burdening women with even more emotional labor.
When you come to collect your boy, you’ll be impressed by how much less violent the terms he uses to describe intercourse are. We offer a money-back guarantee if anyone we’ve serviced refers to sex as “hitting that” or claims to have “beat up” the female genitalia.
As part of our standard evaluation package, we place your boy in a yoga studio to check whether he tips his shades or says “humina humina.” Sign up now to receive an online estimate of how many times your boy has watched hard-core pornography.
If you want to keep your boy running smoothly, it’s important to change his fluids. A boy can’t work properly when he’s full of Rockstar Energy Drink or that soda Juggalos spray on one another. And tear-duct clogging can lead to a complete breakdown if left unattended for forty years. Investing in the upkeep of your boy now can prevent the need for costly legal fees down the line, when he spits on a woman at a bus stop.
It’s tempting to delay servicing your boy because of the emotional cost, but skipping masculinity realignments can lead to your boy’s trying out for Duke’s lacrosse team. No parent wants that.
In addition to our domestic-repair options, we also service foreign boys. In fact, we repair all makes and models, except Randall. That kid is wack. His dad is one of those football coaches who throw folding chairs. But, if your boy is deemed beyond repair, you’ll be offered a trade-in who doesn’t call his friends “gay” for liking to dance.
All of our emotional work is backed by a lifetime warranty. If your boy punches a wall because rage is his default setting, we will come to your house and wipe off the knuckle blood.
To make an appointment, simply select a time when your boy isn’t bullying a weaker child. And remember: today’s little shit is tomorrow’s huge asshole!
