While electronic vaccine passports are being fiercely debated, consensus is forming around several other passports that would communicate the level of danger you pose to the world.
Flip-Flops Passport
Discloses when you last wore flip-flops in a non-nautical setting.
Sobbed-During-“Nomadland” Passport
Identifies that you cried during Swankie’s farewell monologue.
Magic-Trick-on-a-First-Date Passport
Confirms that you have never performed a card trick on a first date with a potential romantic partner.
Reply-Guy Passport
Documents the last time you replied to a tweet without even liking it first.
Parent-of-a-Child-with-a-Scooter Passport
Reveals whether you are currently a caretaker of a speed demon.
Slice-Enumerator Passport
Records the number of consecutive days you’ve eaten only pizza.
Potluck Passport
Shows whether the dishes you have brought to communal gatherings matched what you indicated you would be bringing in the pre-potluck Google Sheet.
Public-Toilet-Seat Passport
Catalogues when you last put your bare butt on the toilet seat of a public bathroom.
Pretended-to-Have-Seen-the-TV-Show-Everyone-Else-Was-Talking-About Passport
If true, you’re under mandatory house arrest.
Chipotle-Test-Kitchen-for-Your-Anniversary-Dinner Passport
Verifies that you did not suggest the Chipotle test kitchen in Greenwich Village as a location for an anniversary dinner in 2018.
Citizen Passport
Shows if you have the surveillance-state app Citizen on your phone.
Barber/Hairdresser Passport
Identifies whether whoever cuts your hair thinks you’re a good person.
Nicholas Sparks Passport
Certifies that you have not consumed media from the Nicholas Sparks cinematic universe in the past thirty days.
String-Cheese-as-an-Ingredient Passport
Discloses the last time you chopped up a piece of Starbucks-branded string cheese to use in a dish you were preparing.
Tipping Passport
Logs your history of tipping at drag shows, car washes, and combination drag show–car washes.
“The Da Vinci Code”-on-a-First-Date Passport
Confirms that you have never suggested watching Ron Howard’s two-hour-and-fifty-four-minute adaptation of Dan Brown’s novel on a first date with a potential romantic partner.
Taco Bell Passport
Documents that you are currently wholeheartedly living más. ♦
