Darling, this has been an amazing night—one that’s about to get even better, or a whole lot worse. That’s all up to you because there’s something I want to ask, in front of everyone watching on the jumbotron: Will you make me the happiest man in the world?
Yes, I want you to be my wife. We’ve never once talked about it, and that’s what makes this so special.
Sh-h-h, my love. Before you answer, please know that you’re under no obligation to say yes. Just also know that the longer you wait, the more uncomfortable it will be for all the bystanders I paid to encircle us holding roses.
Seriously, no pressure. Though I bet the skywriter who just spelled out “SHE SAID YE” will be pretty bummed when he doesn’t get to finish his message. I mean, wouldn’t you?
But, if you’re not ready for this kind of commitment, it’s totally fine. We can always endure a horrible car ride home or just grab a tense meal, where the only sounds are depressing silverware clinks. (I made sure to pop the question before you’d had a chance to eat.)
Just follow your heart. Pay no attention to my new forearm tattoo, which is a photo-realistic drawing of us mailing out wedding invitations. This is your decision.
As I await your response, I can’t help but look back on the six magical weeks we’ve been dating. Watching Netflix, talking about maybe becoming exclusive—it’s all made me realize that we belong together. It’s like we’re soulmates who still don’t know each other’s numerous major flaws. (Spoiler: one of mine is gambling!)
Ticktock, lover.
Getting married is a big decision, so take all the time you need. This isn’t about the forty thousand fans currently watching us, in mounting anticipation. Or the fact that I invited your parents to celebrate with us tonight. By the way, your mom started crying when I promised that I’d give her grandchildren. Given her recent health scare, I’d hate to see what happens if she’s disappointed.
Your dad called me “Son.”
You haven’t answered yet, no doubt because the thought of spending the rest of your life with me makes you so happy. That’s O.K. Your tightly pursed lips and lack of eye contact say it all. In emotional moments like this, it can be tough to find the right words, so I’ve taken the liberty of writing them down for you. Here—it covers all the things I intuitively know you feel. That I’ve made you the happiest woman in the world, that you can’t imagine a life without me, and that I’m a better lover than all your previous partners, including Giancarlo, whom in retrospect you don’t think was that good-looking, actually.
Feel free to read it to me in a voice thick with emotion. And, hey, I wouldn’t turn down tears of joy. Or not. Your call.
There’s also a flash mob ready to dance outside as soon as you give your answer—which, to be clear, can be yes or no—though it’s a touch rude to keep them waiting. Those peppy, multicultural teens have been practicing for six months, and they’ll be crushed if they don’t get to perform soon.
They missed school for this.
But, truly, mull it over for as long as you need. I left out plenty of food for the string quartet waiting to serenade us when we get home. Money is no object because I’m already deep in debt. (Again, serious gambling problem.)
Besides, I won’t need my money back. Right?
Right.
My love, I won’t lie. It’s taking a bit longer for you to say yes than I expected. So, to help you make your decision—your decision!—I’ve arranged for the stadium’s sound system to play the theme from “Jeopardy!” It’s always fun when people do that.
Consider it the first of many wedding gifts.
No rush, but the umpire is signalling to me that this baseball game has to continue at some point. Apparently they’ve never had to wait this long for a proposal response? Weird. Isn’t being publicly put on the spot to make the biggest decision of your life supposed to be, y’know, romantic? Have I done something wrong? Should I have invited more reporters? Hired a second boys’ choir? Waited till later to show you the Cameo I bought of Stanley Tucci saying, “Marry him or you’re scum”?
Whatever it takes to make you the happiest person in the world, I’ll do it, my darling. You know, if that’s what you want.
