Is this the U.N.? The Time Pod’s not great with location data. Given the diversity and the number of flags, I’m either at N.Y.U. orientation or at the U.N. Nod twice if I’m in the right place.
All right, here’s the hard sell: I’m from the future. Still with me? I see one or two handguns out, so I hope the flashy entrance bought me a little credibility. I’m not here to talk about nukes. They’re an existential problem, but people like you can keep a standoff going for a long time.
Wait, did that seem haughty? I don’t want to sound haughty. The archives indicate that that’s why you ignored climate warnings. Which is insane, but—damn it! I did it again.
Never mind. Starting over.
Wow, the U.N.! Nice to meet you. Having a job here, as you all do, is just as impressive as being from the future. Which I am. Now that we’re acquainted and no one’s looking down on anyone, let’s talk about climate change: Help.
For my people, this isn’t abstract. It’s dead crops, water wars, and moisture suits that recycle every body fluid. If you don’t believe me, smell me. About the water wars: the current winner isn’t in the G-20. Nor is it any of the other nations present. He’s a warlord called SteelHeart the Oppressor, and he didn’t pick the name. If you’re a “status quo” type, consider that a small nudge.
O.K., I’m feeling the vibe change. There are a lot more pistols pointed at me this time. Maybe I went too negative? Let’s try this again.
Hey, people! I’m here from the future to give you a compliment sandwich. I have a small critique, but you deserve to hear what a great job you’re doing. Focus on the positive.
First off, your era produces excellent media. I’m not blowing smoke. I volunteered because I love the culture. I studied all the classics: “Saddles of Flame,” “Plato’s Cave with Bullets,” and “Furious 7.” Hollywood may be underwater, but Dominic Toretto lives on.
That said, you’re killing us and yourselves by flaying our only habitable planet.
Finally, the air-conditioning in here’s nice. Where I come from, A.C. is reserved for SteelHeart, his armies, and his harems. Mercy is a memory. Sometimes we resist on purpose, just to enjoy the cool air of the punishment mines.
Oh, God, am I choking? I’m choking. Just like in “9 Kilometre.”
Hey, shouldn’t I run into myself doing this? I expected three of us onstage, giving the same speech. This must prove something about the nature of time, but that’s above my pay grade.
Please get rid of the cows.
Guys! I brought a visual aid this time. As you know, a megadeath represents a million fatalities. This line graph measures annual megadeaths from hurricanes, dehydration, water wars, and raiders in hockey masks. As I said, your movies are pretty on point.
You’ll notice an exponential increase, which raises a natural question: How are there any people left to kill? The answer’s simple: chaos and overpopulation go hand in hand. You’re not looking at the death of the human race. Just the death of the human dream.
I see some stressed-out faces. Luckily, I brought snacks. Please indulge. I used half my moisture savings to bake them. I find that sugar takes a little bit of the edge off mass death. Most of the time.
Anyway, great talk. I can’t wait to zip back to the present and see a hundred years of progress. Right?
You know, nothing I say here matters. Every trip resets your brains, my suit’s bulletproof, and there’s no one here I respect. A few thoughts:
If your God exists, it hates you. You are failures elected by even greater failures. You have a dying culture dedicated to celebrating itself. Reading your words, watching your films, and hearing the slurry you call debate have been the most painful experiences in a lifetime of torture. Your leadership? Mid. This century? Mid. The word “mid”? Mid.
I despise everyone watching, in this room or at home. Every wastrel breathing the kind of clean air I’ve never tasted. Every troglodyte pushing baby-step solutions to a Biblical flood. You’re ticks sucking blood from the future.
Hey! If you don’t stop climate change, communists will take over the earth. Or capitalists, whichever one you hate. You’d better get on that.
I don’t know how long I’ve been doing this. How many speeches I’ve written and rewritten and delivered to the same deaf audience. Unlike you, I have learned something from it.
One theory says that history is settled because all time travel has already happened. I’d like to modify that: the future is locked because you’re too useless to change. Happy Earth Day. ♦
