Well, it’s happened. The Hendersons down the street got themselves a Bigfoot, and now your child is begging for one, too. Fear not. You may not be a Bigfoot person, but, by adhering to a few simple rules, you can integrate a Bigfoot into your household without wrecking your carpets or upending your life.
DO make it clear that Bigfoot is your child’s responsibility. You will not be walking Bigfoot or cleaning his grotto or feeding him vast quantities of ground venison and acorns. This will not be the hamster all over again.
DON’T get a Bigfoot for the wrong reasons. Remember, a Bigfoot is a commitment! Anyone tempted to adopt a Bigfoot for likes on social media should also know that they are uncomfortable with attention and photograph poorly.
DO consult a reputable breeder. Craigslist may offer cheaper options, but that’s how you end up with a cut-rate yeti, a shaved grizzly bear, or a grown man in an ape suit. If you would prefer to adopt, consult the parent in your child’s grade with the “BIGFOOT RESCUED ME” bumper sticker.
DON’T let your child overcrowd Bigfoot when you get him home. Yes, everyone’s very excited to play with Bigfoot, but Bigfoot may be shy at first. He’ll come out from behind that tree when he’s ready.
DO invest in a good pair of clown shoes. If you want Bigfoot to respond to obedience training, you must make a convincing alpha.
DON’T let Bigfoot free-feed. Be clear with your child: Bigfoot may beg for jumbo marshmallows and HoneyBaked ham, but he doesn’t always know what will give him a tummy ache! If your Bigfoot shows an intense interest in human food, discourage night foraging by padlocking your freezer and putting the contents of your pantry in an odor-proof bag that you hang from the top of a pine tree until morning.
DO remind your child to bathe Bigfoot regularly. Especially in the summer months, when Bigfoot’s natural odor can become quite . . . pungent.
DON’T, under any circumstances, let Bigfoot dictate your sleep schedule. After you’ve put him in his grotto for the night, do not respond to any bids for attention. Including when he yowls during thunderstorms. Even if he sounds scared. And a bit like your child as an infant.
DO decide that there’s an inherent dignity in compromise.
DON’T feel that you owe anyone an explanation for why Bigfoot is snoring in a nest of beach towels in the mudroom. You are the alpha.
DO pick up a few squeaky toys, a cow femur, and some Lincoln Logs on the way home from work. This is called enrichment, and it is a pragmatic measure to keep Bigfoot from gnawing the furniture. Remember: you’re doing this for your child.
DON’T let Bigfoot on the couch to cuddle. Unless no one else is home. In that case, at least pretend to be asleep. Bigfoot doesn’t have to know that his mossy warmth is soothing.
DO start taking Bigfoot with you on your morning runs. Cars give you a wider berth when you’re with Bigfoot. And he knows all the best trails.
DON’T be too smug when your co-worker Ted brags about his family’s new Mothman. Even though Bigfoot is clearly stronger and smarter, and knows more tricks than Mothman, and Mothman’s pelt looks patchy.
DO offer to take some of the responsibility of caring for Bigfoot off your child’s hands. This will help your child focus on school. Besides, it takes the manual dexterity and patience of an adult to brush Bigfoot’s coat to a fine gloss.
DON’T tell anyone that you’ve been slipping Bigfoot marshmallows. Sometimes Bigfoot deserves a treat. And it’s cute how he pouches them in his cheek.
DO include Bigfoot in family activities. If you’re grilling on Memorial Day, why not spit-roast him a whole goat? If you’re going on vacation, why not tour the scenic logging roads of the Pacific Northwest? The videos will come out blurry, but the memories will last forever.
DON’T let your child make fun of you for buying you and Bigfoot matching scarves. (Bigfoot’s is a plaid table runner.) Bigfoot looks so handsome—yes he does, so handsome!—and your child is just jealous.
DO remember to get out the old stepladder each spring and mark Bigfoot’s height on the side of the house. In ten years, you’ll be glad you did.
DON’T let your child take Bigfoot away to college. A frat house is no place for Bigfoot. All Bigfoot’s stuff is here. Besides, he can’t sleep without you. ♦
