It’s horror-movie season! And who doesn’t love a good scare? But since people like us, with anxiety and depression, already expect the worst, traditionally terrifying scenarios don’t always do the trick. Here are some horror films that would really scare us—just as long as they’re released on streaming services, or else we’ll never see them.
● “The Birds,” but all the birds want to make small talk.
● “Scream,” but just the part about getting called on the phone.
● “The Ring,” but in seven days you’ll have to participate in a friend’s surprise marriage proposal.
● “Midsommar,” but sober.
● “The Host,” but you have to host.
● “We Need to Talk About Kevin,” but you’re Kevin, and they need to talk about you seeing a therapist.
● “The Sixth Sense,” but Bruce Willis is bored by your problems.
● “Friday the 13th,” but it’s about a hard deadline.
● “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” and it was super embarrassing, and now your therapist knows, too.
● “Little Shop of Horrors,” but in reference to the line outside Trader Joe’s, forty minutes before closing.
● “Us,” but only the part about spending time with someone just like you.
● “Jennifer’s Body,” but Jennifer’s feelings will be hurt if you’re not in the mood tonight.
● “The Wolf Man,” but the reason the werewolf abandons you every full moon is that you’re too emotionally needy (and it’s not just tonight—you’re never in the mood).
● “Signs,” but the signs are empty takeout containers, and they’re telling you to go back on Lexapro.
● “The Hills Have Eyes” and they just made eye contact with you. Also, they saw that you ordered another McFlurry on Uber Eats.
● “Misery,” but the kidnapper won’t let you eat in bed.
● “28 Days Later,” and the Lexapro still isn’t working.
● “Paranormal Activity,” but just normal activity.
● “Frankenstein,” but the monster thinks that you’re the freak.
● “Candyman,” but if you say his name three times he’ll make you take a shower.
● “A Nightmare on Elm Street,” but just the part about having to be awake.
● “Poltergeist,” but, after 10 A.M., the clown makes your bed whenever you go to the bathroom.
● “Psycho,” but Norman Bates comes by to remind you that checkout is at eleven.
● “A Quiet Place,” but the opposite.
● “Lights Out,” but the opposite.
● “The Exorcist,” but the power of Christ compels you to get up.
● “Rosemary’s Baby,” but you’re the baby and you never asked to be born.
● “Carrie”—no changes necessary. Hey, at least you’re not in high school anymore.
