Children’s absorption in screens is a bane of modern parenting—and such dependency has reached alarming heights during the pandemic. Here are some parenting hacks to help wean your little ones off their electronic devices.
1. Extracurricular activities. The martial arts offer a safe platform for releasing energy while gaining valuable self-defense skills. Remember to set reasonable expectations—those flamboyant tornado kicks don’t happen overnight. However, once you have attained mastery at the brown-belt level, you are ready to guard your phone or iPad from your children. Put on your white karategi, and, with your spouse, form a human defense wall in front of your household’s electronic devices. As your children approach like a pack of ferocious wolves, eyes aflame and mouths curled into ungodly sneers, assume the kiba-dachi, or “horse-riding stance.” Some less determined children may then retreat to a favored non-screen activity, such as staring into the abyss, plotting ways to get hold of a screen. Most, though, will continue their hungry advance toward the devices. Bellow a heated warrior’s cry—Hoong-ahh!—and, as your nemeses draw near, deploy a swift roundhouse kick. If they continue their assault, keep a cool head, and let your training guide you. Always remember Sun Tzu’s adage: “In war, then, let your great object be victory, not lengthy campaigns.”
2. Find a quiet moment with your son, preferably when he is not live-streaming a video game for an audience of perfect strangers. Explain to him how, when Grandpa was a boy, he occupied his spare time by playing jacks.
“What are jacks?” your son will ask.
“It is an old-timey game played with a small ball and six-pointed metal stars,” you’ll reply. “Its formal name is knucklebones.”
“And what is a Grandpa?” your son will ask.
“He’s that lonely old man who has been stuck in a condo in Florida for the past two years. Sometimes he appears on your screen in a FaceTime box that you minimize while you play Minecraft.”
“Oh, him,” your son will say. “Next time he FaceTimes, I’ll tell him to go outside and play jacks.”
This may not persuade your child to relinquish his screen. But it may get your father away from his.
3. This strategy will require a little time travel, which is admittedly challenging—but certainly no more difficult than wresting your phone from the steely grip of a four-year-old. Set your time machine to mid-seventies California, and head to Crist Drive in Los Altos, near Cupertino. There, you will encounter an arrogant young man, no doubt tinkering on a primitive, boxlike computer and wearing a black turtleneck. After you explain to him that you are visiting from 2021, he will likely ask you about the role personal computers will play in the future.
“Computers?” you are to ask. “Um . . . oh, right. Those things. I think I know what you’re talking about. In the future, they’re used exclusively by hobbyists and geeks. Not a very lucrative market, that’s for sure.” Go on to explain that the smart money—the place to direct one’s enviable intelligence and maniacal ambition—is on finding a fix for climate change. “That,” you will say before heading back to the future, “is where the big money is. Certainly not on . . . what are those things called again? Personal condoodlers?”
If he seems unconvinced, kill him. ♦
