Although life on Mars is perfect in every single way, you might have some questions.
Is there air here?
Great question! Scientists and other busybodies are quick to assert that Mars has no air. This is simply not true. Mars has loads of air; it’s just different.
Different how?
You might not realize it, but Earth’s air has a lot more than just oxygen. Nitrogen, argon, bees—when you breathe air on Earth, there’s no telling what you’re inhaling. Mars’s air, on the other hand, is completely, a hundred per cent pure. It contains only one ingredient: dust.
Can I breathe the dust?
Definitely not.
Has anyone ever died on Mars?
Nope! Statistically, Mars is the safest place in the universe. On Earth, people die every day from things like traffic accidents and poorly maintained carnival rides. Not here. One guy went outside and tried to breathe the dust, and even he didn’t die. He lives in a glass tube now, and our team of doctors is helping him lead a productive and dignified life.
Is there gravity?
Gravity on Mars is thirty-eight per cent of that on Earth, so you will weigh considerably less here than you did back home. This has its pros and cons. On the con side, your muscles will atrophy to the point where returning to Earth would kill you. But, on the pro side, everyone can dunk.
I can’t go back to Earth?
Of course you can! People go back to Earth every day. Many live for weeks.
O.K. Is there TV here?
Yes! Mars is a utopia, which means TV is perfect here. On Mars, “Lost” makes sense, and “The Sopranos” ends with Tony explaining the exact time and manner of his death. We put the “Game of Thrones” finale in a really deep hole.
What about music?
Studies show that music makes people homesick, so we’ve eliminated every reference to Earth from the canon of Western music. Groove along to such classics as “Heaven Is a Place on Mars” and the complete works of Mars, Wind & Fire.
How about books? I love books.
On Mars, you don’t have to pretend.
Where is my wife?
Our algorithm determined that your old marriage was an inefficient pairing, so you have been assigned a new wife. Your new wife is tender and supportive. And, like you, she is a six.
But I liked Megan. She smelled nice. On the weekends, she made waffles.
Megan’s with Chuck now. Chuck is an eight, and he understands things about sex and pleasure that you will never grasp. He, too, loves waffles.
What do I do for work?
Like all Mars residents, you will be employed by The Corporation. You will enjoy an exciting career in a fast-paced and collaborative mine shaft.
I don’t want to work in a mine shaft.
Sounds like someone should have finished dental school.
Do I get paid?
Good news! As a utopia, Mars has no need for money. In exchange for the lithium you mine, The Corporation will provide you with a daily ration of gruel. The amount of gruel you receive will be determined by how much lithium you extract, and by whether you can curry favor with a small group of benevolent billionaires.
Is this slavery?
You worry too much.
Because what you’re describing is the literal definition of slavery.
What am I, a dictionary? Look, we could go back and forth all day about who is and isn’t a slave, but then we’d have a pile of unmined lithium, and we’d both look foolish.
Is there food that isn’t gruel?
There’s a Sbarro.
Oh.
Yeah, most people just stick with the gruel. ♦
