Dear Pepper is a monthly advice-column comic by Liana Finck. If you have questions for Pepper about how to act in difficult situations, please direct them to dearpepperquestions@gmail.com. Questions may be edited for brevity and clarity.
Dear Pepper,
I️ have a lot of trouble saying no. The best I️ can manage is a maybe. And I find that maybes sometimes backfire.
If someone asks, “Want to come to a party in Los Feliz tonight?,” I’ll say, “Sounds nice. I️’ll try and make it, but I️ have a lot of deadlines and it’s pretty far, so I️ have a feeling that I️ won’t be able.”
If someone asks, “Would you like to attend a ten-hour, seven-hundred-dollar Zoom-class series on macramé with me? It’ll be fun! Besides, we need an extra person or the teacher won’t do it,” I’d like to say, “LOL—what? No!” But instead I’ll say, “Ooh, that does sound fun. I’d like to but am not sure I’ll have time.”
More often than not, people think that I️’ve said yes. This gets me into hot water. I️ often end up just doing the things to be accommodating.
Why can’t I️ say no?
Sincerely,
Insincere
Dear Insincere,
You’re picking up on something here. The truth is that there really aren’t enough polite ways to say no. I️ think your problem may be that you put politeness first. If saying no is rude, then be a little rude.
If you’re not sure whether something is only slightly rude or very rude, that’s an O.K. risk to take, too. Never underestimate the tendency of other people to forget or, at least, to forgive. (And, hey, maybe the most polite thing to do is not lie to your friends, even if it’s just about your interest in macramé.)
If you commit a small social crime that you can’t let go of—such as being too blunt—learning to manage the guilt might just be a better use of your time than forever trying to be perfectly correct. The perfect is, as they say, the enemy of the good.
So, good luck. This will take time—but work at it, and it will get easier. You’re tying yourself in knots. Aim to do a little less of that.
Sincerely,
Pepper
