Raw eggs
Raw meat
Raw emotional conversation about your hopes and dreams for the New Year
Hair of the dog
Not just any dog
A celebrity dog
Like Air Bud or Old Yeller
Sleep
Sleepytime tea
Sleeping bag in the mouth
Sleeping with Sleepy the dwarf
Head to toe, of course—it’s impossible not to drift off next to that guy
Going for a run
Running for office
Making your platform “No More Hangovers”
Getting elected and delivering on your promises
Having a greasy meal
Having a “Grease”-y meal of Olivia Noodles-John and John Travoltartar sauce
Having a méaly grís
That’s French for “John Travoltartar sauce”
Having a Gatorade
Having a Powerade
Having a Live Aid concert to raise money for your hangover, but making everyone play quietly
Having a laugh!
Having a cry!
Having a pizza pie!
Alternate between doses of ibuprofen, paracetamol, and ivermectin
Trying a hair of the cat
A big, fat cat
The biggest one you can find
Oh, you thought we meant, like, Garfield?
No, a Big Cat
Like a lion or a leopard
The injuries you sustain acquiring its hair will make you instantly forget about your hangover
Eating bananas
Watching “Bananas in Pyjamas”
Until you go bananas from hearing that song over and over
Taking a seat on the floor
Sitting in complete silence
Continuing to sit
Stop—stay where you are
You’re not finished yet
You’re a Floor Boy now
Chug a jar of melted-down 2022 glasses
Now think about what you’ve done
Not just last night, or just now with the glasses
But over the past few decades
Try to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong
Make some soup
Chug the soup!
Breathe—this will be over soon
Unless you’re in your thirties or older, in which case this hangover could last up to a year
After which it will once again be time to drink too much on New Year’s Eve
