Owing to recent rainfall, we are cautioning swimmers, waders, surfers, fishers, paddlers, boaters, and people who admire nature’s beauty with their mouths open to avoid exposure to ocean waters. Bacteria, chemicals, the S.S. Georgie, bird skeletons, diapers, leaves, rejected engagement rings, branches, buttons, feces, single-use plastic, Turtle-Choker™ brand cola rings, gasoline, lost sunglasses, and hazardous waste are likely to contaminate the water and make any human who comes into contact with it ill. Advisory in effect until Friday.
Owing to a recent waste-management-facilities breach, we are cautioning all surfers, kayakers, triathletes, people who breathe through their noses, scuba divers, and underwater electrical welders to avoid exposure to our normally spiritually healing ocean waters. Paper, tapeworms, asparagus pee, hairbrush hair, and expired Tylenols are likely to contaminate the waters and make any human who comes into contact with it unsociably stinky and possibly a Toxic Avenger. Advisory in effect until Wednesday.
Owing to recent unexpected rainfall, we are cautioning windsurfers, Nemos, offshore gamblers, tweens holding their breath underwater to finally earn the respect of their older siblings, shipwreck divers, mermaids suffering identity crises, polar bears (both human and ursidae), beachcombers, cruise directors, and first mates to avoid exposure to ocean waters. Highway runoff and non-compostable compost such as cooked meats are likely to contaminate the water and potentially awaken an ancient beast with jaws as big as goal posts. Advisory in effect until Monday, or whenever the Hell mouth closes.
Owing to a recent oil-refinery spill soiling the natural beauty in every direction, we are cautioning all beings comprised of at least twenty per cent water to avoid exposure to the ocean. Noxious gas and a mesmerizing sheen will lure unsuspecting sailors to their watery graves. Advisory in effect until Sunday.
Public-health officials and the Beach Advisory Committee have confirmed one case of two swimmers canoodling by moonlight in Shark’s Buffet Bay. Advisory in effect until all body parts have been collected, or Tuesday.
One case reported of an asymptomatic COVID-19-positive surfer coughing in a pelican’s face to “own it.” Pelican is in quarantine. Advisory in effect until we deserve nice things again.
More rain? Are you sure? I guess don’t go in the water, ’cause anything gross you saw outside yesterday that isn’t there today is in a seagull’s mouth right now. Advisory in effect until the water doesn’t leave mucousy sludge on your skin.
Owing to recent rain and its welcome saturation of the arid land but alarming effects of washout and drainage emptying into the ocean—which are likely to temporarily or permanently contaminate the water, but at least it’s not like we drink that stuff—we advise that you limit excess water flow in the home and think about the precious resources we have, not just for ourselves but for future generations. Advisory in effect until potable water runs out, or 2032—ha ha, just kidding. . . .
Owing to a recent evaporation of potable water, we are advising all residents to drink ocean water. But with an abundance of caution, as it is likely contaminated and all contact will have nineteen-eighties horror-movie effects on the human body. Advisory in effect until the end of human existence.
