Some commercial names tell you exactly what you’re getting: Bank of America, Famous Footwear, Pornhub. Others hint at it: Snapchat, OpenTable, Lids. Then there are those that spark questions. What the hell is a Cigna? And why, in twenty-first-century America, is any store called Banana Republic—let alone one selling polo shirts and turtleneck sweater dresses? Let us imagine a better, simpler world, where companies delivered on their names. A world where you’d go to Jack in the Box for toys, Apple for fresh produce, and Equinox for—well, Equinox just wouldn’t exist.
Zoom: rental-car agency
Target: axe-throwing bar
Lands’ End: cruise line
Starbucks: cryptocurrency
Sonic: music-streaming service
Michaels: men’s clothing store
Wendy’s: women’s clothing store
Carl’s Jr.: kids’ clothing store
McDonald’s: Irish whiskey
White Castle: luxury hotel chain
Snickers: comedy club
Baby Ruth: adoption agency
Lululemon: sour candy
Bumble: accident insurance
Grindr: coffee shop
Blue Moon: XXX-entertainment store
Black & Decker: law firm
Procter & Gamble: law firm
Abercrombie & Fitch: law firm
Johnson & Johnson: law firm
Arm & Hammer: construction company
Rag & Bone: pet-supply store
Uber: German-language TV network
Slack: nap café
Zillow: online-bedding retailer
American Eagle: wildlife conservancy
Hot Topic: celebrity-news-and-gossip Web site
Guess: board game
Cosmopolitan: travel-and-leisure magazine
The Atlantic: seafood restaurant
Mother Jones: orphanage
The New Yorker: souvenir shop
