1. Do not begin any sermon with the following lines:– “Yesterday morning, while I was sitting on the toilet . . .”
– “Some of you may have seen the headline ‘Local Clergyman Found Naked and Inebriated in Walmart Linens Aisle’ . . .”
– “What a great-looking crowd! Anyone in a relationship? With Jehovah?”
– “A priest, a rabbi, and the man they both crave walk into a bar . . .”
2. Phrases that will appeal to younger parishioners:– “Texting—it’s like praying with your thumbs, dude.”
– “My pronouns are ‘thou,’ ‘thy,’ and ‘let’s get this hip-hop Mass started, bitches!’ ”
– “The Sistine Chapel is God’s selfie.” (Make mind-blown hand gesture and sound effect.)
– “Let’s talk about climate change. It’s what happens when we do meth.”
3. Reaching out to women:– “Mary—she wasn’t just someone’s mom.”
– “Moses—am I right, ladies?”
– “Is mutually satisfying sex an important part of a godly marriage? Let’s ask Solomon’s two-hundred-and-seventeenth wife, Amanda of Goshen.”
– “And, just like that, Eve was blamed for wanting to pursue her education.”
4. Dealing with secular topics:– “Would I endorse a political candidate? You bet I would—if his name was Junior Senator Jesus Christ, from the great state of Worship.”
– “I hear a lot of talk about queer people. Well, God loves everyone. Even Marjorie Harbett’s husband and that young fellow he calls his associate car washer.”
– “When I hear the words ‘women’s reproductive freedom,’ do you know what I think? I think, That’s a lovely blouse, Helen Darrells! Is it new?”
5. Larger themes (suggested titles):– Is Murder a Mortal Sin? Even at the Holidays?
– What Does God Mean by Salvation? Don’t Any of You Have Google?
– Hugging: Does It Lead to My Resignation?
– World Peace: Is It Just Something Jews Yell to Steal Your Parking Space?
– Forgiveness: Even Your Dry Cleaner?
6. Product placement:– “Many people ask, ‘Can I ever atone? For not buying a 2022 Chevy Equinox?’ ”
– “Do I believe in miracles? Of course! Especially when I have persistent diarrhea and there’s Imodium Multi-Symptom Relief!”
– “Why did the Lord make war and suffering? So we’d appreciate Applebee’s Chicken Fajita Rollups!”
7. 100%-guaranteed punch lines:– “Oops, God did it again!”
– “That’s what the Almighty said!”
– “Is that a hymnal in your pocket, or are you just really excited about the story of Ruth?”
– “Oy vey, Sister Matilde!”
8. Snappy sayings:– “Bless your heart—especially in my body after your car accident!”
– “Can I get an amen? And a raise? I’m kidding!”
– “Let us pray—for me to get a raise! I’m still kidding!”
– “You may kiss the bride—and my ass, if I don’t get a raise! I’ll be here all week—unless I don’t get that raise!”
– “May God be with you—because I’m outta here, you cheap bastards!” ♦
