Transport yourself to the celebrated Norwegian novelist Karl Ove Knausgaard’s Knausgaardworld theme park, a land where time is relentless, death is unavoidable, and glimpses of divine terror and beauty punctuate the tedium of day-to-day life.
CONCESSIONS
Yngve’s Yngveggies and Salads
Staring at a low, red sun from a train car, a middle-aged Knausgaard was overcome by pleasure “with such intensity that it was indistinguishable from pain.” At Yngve’s, you’ll be overcome by our imitation ham, which, per the chef, has “so much flavor it is indistinguishable from ham.” Or your kroner back!
Cigarettes & Black Coffee
Knausgaard has dedicated much of his life’s work to describing characters drinking black coffee and smoking in real time. C&BC offers visitors the chance to fill up a cup, light a cigarette, take a drag, sip the coffee, another sip now, another sip, another drag, another sip––done. Every seat faces a darkened window in which guests can consider their own grim expressions. Reservations are available for parties of one.
Pizza Shack
Serving cheese and pepperoni!
VISA KNAUS-CAARD™ PLATINUM AMUSEMENTS AND RIDES
They’re Good at Hiding
Your wife has accidentally stepped on a kitten. Can you figure out how to put it out of its misery before the kids wake up? The winner gets to pick where to bury the still-warm body while the surviving kittens stare at you. The losers must pretend to search for the “lost” kitten with the children.
Legal Trouble with Uncle Gunnar
Uh-oh—your uncle Gunnar is suing you for libel! Try to keep writing novels about him suing you while he continues to sue you. If you can hold him off for five minutes, you win a commemorative cap. Caps are available in blue or green.
Birds?
Throughout the park, men costumed as birds will jump out and savagely peck at you. The experience is extremely unpleasant. There is no way to win.
Egil Eye
Your wife wants to fuck Egil. How do you know? Because she has written the words “I want to fuck Egil” over and over again on a piece of paper. Can you forget what you saw? Can you forget those words? No, no. Of course not. Anyway, in this game you’re trying to get a ring on top of a bottle.
Crabs on the Road
The road is teeming with hundreds of thousands of crabs, and you’re in a car driving over them. The car comes to a stop just as you realize what all of those bumps are (crabs). What else can you do? What else can you do, with all of these crabs on the road?
The Tunnel of Real Løve
Grab your sweetheart and take a gondola for two on a journey that will make you question the entire enterprise of love. Most of the ride is spent in sweaty, infuriating, bumper-to-bumper traffic with other visitors, with you growing more contemptuous of your partner by the second.
Under the tunnel’s bright fluorescent lights, your loved one’s face will be unrecognizable to you. Or maybe it’s that you recognize something alien in their face, something that repels you even as you realize that it was there all along.
To your surprise, the experience unlocks a new, deeper intimacy with and understanding of your partner. Can you call that love? It’s at least something to think about as you exit into the gift store.
The Great Gale of Time
Climb aboard the fastest, most discouraging ride we have at Knausgaardworld! The Great Gale allows you to experience decades of your life blasting by, “sweeping large chunks of meaning along with it.” You start three hundred and fifty feet in the air, marvelling at the gorgeous vista of the park below. But look––the best part is already behind you.
You spiral down, the experience becoming less meaningful the faster you go. Halfway to the ground, as you hit the apex of remorse/understanding, our cameras will snap a deeply unflattering commemorative photo of you. Now, look again––the ride is already over. How could it be any other way?
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Can that really be my face? Where does this feeling come from, and now where has it gone? Have I lost it? Did I ever have it? Can I go back? Oh, God, oh, God, why can’t I go back? How much does short-term parking cost on weekdays?
