“Derry Girls”
Erin immediately suggests that they eat James. Michelle protests—surely he’ll taste bad on account of being English. James is offended—he probably tastes great! Wait. Wait—no, girls! Girls! Clare demands that they all calm down and think rationally about this—maybe they could say a few rosaries and knock out a few Hail Marys, just in case that works? Orla thinks she’s complimenting James when she exclaims, “I bet ye’d make a fine supper.”
Days in wilderness: Forty-seven. They don’t eat anyone but spend the bulk of their time trying to decide if consuming an Englishman on a Friday would count as eating meat.
“Euphoria”
The teens get hypothermia and die almost immediately.
Days in wilderness: Their bodies are accidentally discovered by hikers after four days.
“Freaks and Geeks”
Ken and Nick trick Bill into eating magic mushrooms. Lindsay won’t stop shaking her head and saying, “This is serious, you guys! The pilot is dead!” Daniel tries to score with Kim, but she’s understandably wigged out from the trauma of the plane crash and replies, “Ugh, Daniel, you’re such a sleaze!” Daniel sort of just squints in response. Meanwhile, Sam and Neal find the plane’s black box and figure out how to make it send an SOS signal.
Days in wilderness: Three. The Geeks prevail.
“Riverdale”
Relieved of the many pressures of life in Riverdale, Archie and the gang can finally get back to what they really care about: love triangles. In a Shakespearean characters-go-into-the-magical-woods-style reversal, Jughead becomes their leader. He trades his little hat for a crown that Betty makes out of leaves. Archie becomes jealous that Betty gave Jug a gift and suddenly Veronica is jealous that Archie is jealous and the Gargoyle King is jealous of the . . . wait. The Gargoyle King? He followed them out of Riverdale?! Oh, brother. Somehow everything is even more moodily lit than in the original “Yellowjackets.”
Days in wilderness: Ninety-nine. The Gargoyle King is actually really good at orienteering.
“Gossip Girl”
When Gossip Girl’s posts start being exclusively about the people in the forest, it takes Blair very little time to deduce that Gossip Girl is Dan. She steals his working cell phone and calls her mother, but Mrs. Waldorf is too busy with a show in Paris to come pick them up. Serena attempts to make antler headdresses fashionable but is stymied by the fact that there are no media outlets to document her looks.
Days in wilderness: Eight. Blair’s mom finally sends an assistant.
“Gossip Girl” (reboot)
Max immediately tries to initiate a threesome. Kate, despite being the only surviving teacher, keeps sneaking off to find cell service and post as Gossip Girl. Julien points out how cool it is that they got stranded in the woods—just like Serena and Blair! Zoya, recognizing that nobody is coming to get them, suggests that they set off into the forest to look for help. The coolest song you’ve ever heard plays while they all put on the last of their makeup.
Days in wilderness: Twenty-two.
“PEN15”
Maya and Anna draw on their previous experience as witches to discover the spiritual power of the forest and immediately begin hunting and sacrificing animals with skill and intensity. In doing so, they unfortunately scare off any potential rescuers, but realize that they don’t need anyone else.
Days in wilderness: Four hundred and ninety-three. (No one has checked on their Tamagotchi in over a year!)
“Glee”
After crying for two days, the glee club arranges a medley of songs by singers who have died in plane crashes. It beautifully skirts the line between cringe and kind of sweet. Artie gets a Buddy Holly song, of course. Rachel threatens to shank Mercedes with a piece of plane debris over the Patsy Cline solo. Santana and Brittany sing a sexually charged version of “Are You That Somebody?” by Aaliyah.
Days in the wilderness: One hundred and fifty-seven. Mr. Schue finally stops flirting with the guidance counsellor and feuding with Coach Sue long enough to notice that his only students are gone.
“Dickinson”
Emily and Sue passionately—wait, no, those kids would never get on a plane.
Days in wilderness: N/A, unless you count eighteen-forties Amherst as the wilderness.
