Many N.F.L. fans are demanding that the league change an overtime rule that, controversially, gives first possession of the ball to the team that wins a coin toss. Here are some proposed replacements for the coin toss that should be considered by the league.
Human Chess
Enough with brute force. It’s time we focus on the strongest, thickest muscle of them all: the mind of an N.F.L. head coach.
Battle of the Bands
Each team sets up a stage at one end of the field, complete with lights, fog machine, inflatables, etc. Players receive instruments—quarterback on lead guitar, strong safety on keyboards, the whole thing. Then they get up there and just jam, man. Some record-label guy decides who wins.
Commissioner Scramble
Players from both teams attempt to apprehend and subdue an oiled-up Roger Goodell.
Head-to-Head
Possession is automatically awarded to whichever team’s captain has sustained more concussions. The runner-up is guaranteed an analyst job upon retirement.
The Actual Deadliest Game
Both teams’ rosters are whisked away to a remote island where they are forced to fight for survival. Whichever team is judged to have best maintained their humanity and not submitted to the darkness lying in wait within the heart of corruptible Man receives the ball on their own twenty-five-yard line, with one yard deducted for each of God’s laws they violated.
Baseball
Players take off their cleats and put on a different kind of cleats for nine innings of baseball—America’s sixth-favorite sport!
John Madden Memorial Tribute
Possession is awarded to whoever can do the funniest John Madden impression.
The Democratic Process
Each team runs a months-long campaign, gathering support from voters across the country. Then, on the first Tuesday of November, football fans do their civic duty and elect a winner. Surely, the fans of the losing team will accept the fairness of this method.
eXtreme Coin Toss
Same as the standard coin flip, but the coin is larger, heavier, and sharper.
Slogan Contest
Following the failure of the “#EndRacism” slogan to actually end racism in the league, players compete to come up with one that will. The winning slogan will be printed on helmets, end zones, and special-edition one-hundred-and-sixty-dollar jerseys available exclusively in the N.F.L. shop—and also the league’s owners have all promised to look at it occasionally.
Sweepstakes
Possession is awarded to Josh Wagner, age twelve, of Dayton, Ohio, winner of the Honey Nut Cheerios “Now, That’s What I Call a Super BOWL” Giveaway. Congratulations, Josh!
The Bachelorette: Love on the Gridiron
Every member of each fifty-three-man roster is thrown into the dating pool to vie for the affection of one beautiful woman. They go on little dates out on the field. The team that the Bachelorette’s favorite beau plays for wins not only the possession but a shot at true love.
Regulation Carryover
The ball automatically goes to the team that scored first in regulation. This will ensure an evenhanded, fast-moving overtime that appeals to everyone—so, to compensate, referees will now call pass interference whenever a cornerback blinks.
Squid Game
The players are forced by a group of shadowy, über-rich benefactors to compete in a hyper-violent game for children. A little derivative of regular football, but could be cool.
