“I’m huge on Twitter”—
An ancient proverb that means
Lonely in real life.
―Joel Kim Booster
Accidentally
FaceTimed my doctor’s office.
The call was declined.
―Aparna Nancherla
“Sorry, just saw this!”
He says, and I believe him
Because I want to.
―Karen Chee
A word of advice?
Get off social media,
It makes kids Nazis.
—Jena Friedman
Spaghetti is one-
Dimensional linguine
Trying to fool you.
―Wyatt Cenac
Eggs over easy
Always has the appearance
Of a murder scene.
—Jerry Seinfeld
I chew on my ice
To let people know, if pushed,
I’d do this to bones.
―Jo Firestone and Mike DiCenzo
There’s no greater joy
Than sloppy wet kisses from
A Chihuahua mouth.
—Margaret Cho
“Don’t worry, he’s cool”
Is a bad way to describe
Your youth-pastor friend.
—Atsuko Okatsuka
Long-distance dating
Works best when your love language
Is Southwest Air miles.
—Demi Adejuyigbe
Shoot the show for months.
Talk about the show for years.
Binge it in a day.
—Bob Odenkirk
Imagine my grief
When I learned “Beat Bobby Flay”
Is about cooking.
―Ariel Dumas
A sword is mighty,
A pen, mightier. Best move:
Tweet the company.
―Roy Wood, Jr.
Hindsight is 20/
20. But I’ll never look
Back on that damn year.
—Sasheer Zamata
There’s nothing sadder
Than writing a haiku and
Getting writer’s block.
—Ayo Edebiri
This excerpt is drawn from “Eating Salad Drunk: Haikus for the Burnout Age by Comedy Greats,” edited by Gabe Henry, out this month from St. Martin’s Griffin.
