Not much is known about your new celeb crush’s girlfriend. That’s probably what led you to click on this article, which is somehow the third Google hit when you search her name even though it contains no illuminating information about her. It’s totally normal for you, a grown adult, to be looking this up. So we’ve gone ahead and answered the most commonly asked questions about this mysterious woman, just for you.
How old is your celebrity crush’s girlfriend?
Her birthday is June 12th.
Does your celebrity crush’s girlfriend have a job?
This is unclear. You just came here from stalking her on Instagram, but we’ve embedded some posts that you already saw. Your celebrity crush’s girlfriend participates in fine dining, hiking, and lingerie photo shoots. She appears to enjoy travelling to luxurious European ski resorts and also to Houston for some reason. Over all, it seems like she has a lot of free time, so we doubt she has a traditional unfulfilling nine-to-five gig like you do.
Did she have a job before she met your celebrity crush?
Our guess is as good as yours. It looks like she’s done some modelling, because of course she fucking has. But she may also have served in the army? We’re not sure. Here’s a picture of her that could either be from a stint in the military, or from Halloween. Oh, great, now you’re opening up a new incognito tab to search “can you get cancelled for pretending to be in army offensive distasteful photo shoot underboob.”
What is your celebrity crush’s girlfriend’s net worth?
Her net worth is unknown, but it’s definitely higher than yours. Some light back-stalking reveals that she wore multiple Cartier Love bracelets in 2016, and those are really expensive. You are beginning to suspect that it’s generational wealth. Speaking of which—
Does your celebrity crush’s girlfriend have a family?
Yes. She has made appreciation posts for her parents, Donna and Stewart, although it is still possible that she was bred in a lab for women with perfectly symmetrical faces and then adopted. Our investigation stopped at finding her parents’ names, but that’s all you need to look up their political-donation history.
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Who are your celebrity crush’s girlfriend’s famous friends?
She’s popped up in multiple influencers’ TikToks and attended an heiress’s wedding, but we don’t know how she originally became friends with these people. They could be childhood besties, or they could only be acquaintances through the boyfriend. You know how hard making friends as an adult is!
How long has she been dating your celeb crush?
She’s been linked to the star since August, 2019, when paparazzi caught them kissing on a coffee run. They’re normally extremely private, which, unfortunately for you, is a hallmark of a non-publicity-stunt, authentic relationship. Sources say it’s serious and that they’re “super in love.” But you already knew that.
Is there any chance that they’ll break up soon?
They adopted a dog together, you loser! Our research conclusively shows that he’s never going to date you.
