I’ve been a married woman since I was eighteen. Sure, married to a different person almost every year, but married all the same.
So let me offer you advice on how to find a husband and never be single again.
Settle down—in that order. Don’t aim so high. If you shoot for the moon, you’ll miss and land on one of those garbage satellites. Just settle for someone. Anyone. Take it from me, honey: your first few marriages won’t stick, so get them out of the way now.
Be open to everyone. Your knight in shining armor won’t always be an actual knight. Sometimes he’ll work nights at a reptile park. Sometimes he won’t work at all, and you’ll share a pan pizza like the ones you got as a reward for reading a book in middle school, and then you’ll split the bill. High standards are for unmarried people.
Never trust a Gary. I will not be elaborating on this. He knows what he did, that little weasel.
Be understanding of what your potential spouse is going through. If he has a latex allergy, develop one, too. If he has a demanding schedule and can’t commit to plans, make sure that you’re available all the time. Be like a 24/7 Denny’s. Has a Denny’s ever let you down? Don’t answer that.
Don’t go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. Defend your honor and never give in, whether it’s about which exterminator to hire or if your husband’s Uncle Gary deserves to be in the will (he doesn’t). You’ll get used to the lack of sleep, which will allow you to annihilate your sweetheart at the next morning’s breakfast fight.
Don’t talk. Listen. Pay close attention to your partner’s darkest admissions. This will give you the upper hand during future divorce proceedings. Oh, now he wants half of your money? Sure, as long as he’s O.K. with you disclosing to New York State that he’s been taking the H.O.V. lane solo since 2011 and has fifty-seven unpaid parking tickets.
Get to know his family. Does he have any siblings? Are they single? Can you introduce me? Look, I’m between marriages right now. Help me out!
Maintain your own life. The quickest way to strain a relationship is by expecting your partner to meet all your needs. So develop several side flings—with someone at work, someone next door, someone in another city, someone you can get breakfast with, someone you can get lunch with, someone you can split the Uber from breakfast to lunch with. The key is to never be alone with your thoughts.
Trust that things will work out how they’re supposed to. At the end of the day, you can’t control everything. You can only be in the moment, tell your husband what he wants to hear, constantly change the passcode on your phone, and have Uncle Gary—who likes to stick his nose where it doesn’t belong—conveniently disappear.
O.K., that’s all. Remember, you can always come to me for advice. Your aunt is an objective third party. And I don’t have any boundaries, so we can talk in detail about what the sex is like.
Also, my second ex is a private eye and owes me a favor. So let me know if you want me to have him snoop around in anyone’s trash.
