My dog wakes me up with his bad breath, but it’s less bad than yesterday.
My allergies are blissfully mild-to-moderate.
After making a cold brew that will accelerate my anxiety into oblivion, I spill only a little bit of coffee on a little bit of my shirt.
When the mail comes, not a single letter is for the wrong person or address, so I do not have to play letter vigilante.
An aggressive stranger walks toward me on the subway, but starts screaming at someone else.
A family member calls to “catch up,” and I sense that this time there’s no ulterior motive.
My meditation (sharply breathing in and out while staring at the refrigerator cheese drawer) is not interrupted by any intrusive thoughts about freak accidents that may kill me at any time.
My personalized Instagram ads miss the mark, so I am not tempted to buy any quirky sweaters, coffee-making accoutrements, or innovative dog bowls.
I step outside to breathe fresh air for two minutes and have such a nice time that I briefly consider doing it again tomorrow, for two and a half minutes.
Not once do I think about a polarizing celebrity divorce or how much hotter I would have to be for Timothée Chalamet to look at me.
My Spotify algorithm absolutely nails the vibes by presenting me with a playlist titled “Essential Sad Women.”
My enemy makes another “30 Under 30” list, but I manage not to see it.
At work, the message system breaks down, and the only ping I receive is from my microwave—it’s finished melting sharp cheddar onto a slice of stale gluten-free bread.
I once again play dead in an attempt to get my dog’s attention, and it finally works—he briefly sniffs me before returning to the more pressing matter of squirrels and their whereabouts.
I read four paragraphs of a book without being interrupted by overwhelming existential dread. Midway through the fifth paragraph, I pick up my phone to search “polar bear still have ice 2022?”
My cat heaves for a minute straight, but does not throw up.
I fall asleep nice and early (2 A.M.).
I have what I assume is a horrible nightmare about the end of the world, but it turns out that I was just having a semiconscious nap with the news on.
