What size is your current favorite bra?
What is the measurement around your rib cage right under your breasts?
What is the measurement around the fullest part of your breasts?
Are the cups of your current bras too large, too small, just right, or good enough because, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t even matter what your boobs look like?
How do your straps fit? Have you adjusted them? If you’re able to adjust them but haven’t, why not? Don’t you realize you’re in control here?
Is one breast larger than the other? Does this bother you, or do you find the idea of a symmetrical body preposterous, even absurd?
What shape are your breasts? Some examples: potato that’s been boiled for too long, beanbag chair someone just sat in, teardrop.
What do you want a bra to do for you? Because it can do whatever you want it to do. It’s an object with no free will—you control your destiny.
What’s your personal style?
Enter your e-mail address to access your perfect fit.
Just kidding—we have no answers, only more questions. If you could change your bra size, would you?
Then why don’t you?
Do you find yourself wondering what bra sizes even mean, especially when they aren’t standardized but are just a series of numbers and letters to which we’ve assigned some vague unscientific connotation?
O.K., fine, we’ll tell you what size you are. You’re a 32D.
But you identify as a 34B.
Do you like being uncomfortable?
Does the underwire slicing into your chest remind you that—much like your existence on this tiny planet in a measly galaxy in an infinite universe—bras are inherently meaningless?
Enter your phone number to access your perfect fit. And maybe we can text sometimes?
Your perfect fit is still 32D.
If you want it to be.
But your boobs belong to you.
And what even are boobs? Just round (or stress-ball-that’s-just-been-squeezed-really-tight) globules that sometimes feed babies.
Babies who are learning to decide, with each passing day, who and what they are.
In a world that repeatedly tells them they were born with a predetermined self.
But you don’t believe in that—or do you?
Enter your home address to access your perfect fit.
Now check your mailbox.
Yup, still 32D.
That is, if you want your bra to fit comfortably around your breasts.
But you can wear it however you want.
After all, why wear a bra around your breasts but not your belly button, which is also related to reproduction yet is not as sexualized?
What if you sexualized your belly button? You could do it, if you wanted to.
Pierce it.
Or wear one of those hot, little belly chains.
Just an idea.
Hand over the keys to your apartment to access your perfect fit.
It’s nice to finally meet you face to face.
Even through your oversized sweatshirt, I can see you’re a 32D.
Currently spilling out of a 34B.
Now buy the bra.
Or don’t.
It’s up to you.
You decided to take this quiz.
Of your own free will.
And now you decide what and what not to buy.
Get a 30G for all we care.
Because you don’t have to purchase the size that we recommend.
You’re in charge of your credit card—and your fate.
Every day, you make decisions that determine the course of your life.
You form and reform your identity.
As you hurtle through space toward eternal nothingness.
So, if tomorrow you decide to be one of those hot chicks who wears a sexy little belly chain, here’s a link to a cute one.
It’s one-size-fits-all.
