Cider.
Apple juice.
Cider, the alcoholic kind.
Lemons, just to confuse people.
Oranges, also to confuse people.
Limes, to give people a break—they’ve probably had a tough time in the supermarket picking the wrong citrus fruits.
Red lights.
Yellow lights.
The emergency lights on ambulances that come for the crashes that these light changes cause.
The Simpsons.
Ashlee Simpson.
Jessica Simpson.
O. J. Simpson.
All gloves.
The new Ford Bronco.
The Smurfs.
The Grinch, but in a more St. Patrick’s Day type of green.
Santa (his outfit and his skin, so he is fully monochrome and also less easily distinguishable from the Grinch, which could lead to some interesting plotlines).
All ponds.
All rivers.
All oceans, but in a good, environmentally beneficial way. (I should have mentioned this for the others, but it’s too late now; the damage to those bodies of water has been done.)
My hair, so I can go nuts and let my freak flag fly.
My family’s hair, so they don’t feel left out.
The entire town’s hair, so we don’t get embarrassed when we leave the house.
All of my furniture.
My carpet.
My drapes.
My pubic hair.
The grass on my lawn—it’s looking a bit tired.
My mower—it was green initially, but it’s rusty and looking a bit tired.
My neighbors—they’re looking a bit tired of me turning everything green.
People who are envious.
People who are new at something.
People who have ingested a fatal amount of cabbage.
Cash in all countries so people can better understand American songs.
Americans in all countries so people can more easily avoid them.
Paint, so that when people go out on St. Patrick’s Day to “paint the town red,” it is, in fact, painted green.
