The accidental inclusion of Jeffrey Goldberg, the editor-in-chief of The Atlantic, in a secret group chat of senior U.S. officials has been described as a breach of national security without historical precedent. This is not the case.
1252 B.C., eastern Mediterranean, Saturday night
Odysseus: O.K., we’re in.
Diomedes: In where?
Odysseus: Troy. We’re inside the walls. They bought it.
Menelaus: By the golden toenails of Athena, we’re in Troy? In a freaking horse?
Odysseus: Sh-h-h. Keep it down, dummy. If they hear us inside this thing, we’re screwed.
Menelaus: Says Mr. Cunning, who always has to have the bright ideas.
Neoptolemus: Says the dope who couldn’t hang on to his wife in the first place. Hey, she’ll always have Paris, right?
Menelaus: To Hades with you, Neo. No wonder you got stuck in the horse’s ass.
Odysseus: O.K., enough. Remember, we got to wait a few hours before we get out of here and start pillaging. Till then, the Trojans have to think it’s just another horse. A gift horse.
Philoctetes: Wise guy, huh?
Odysseus: Zip it, Stinky. Everybody quiet.
Silence..
Hegsethus: Mmprrrh. Mmprrrh.
Diomedes: What’s that?
Hegsethus: I was neighing. That’s my neigh. I was trying to be horsy.
Odysseus: Oh, for gods’ sake. It’s made of wood.
August 23, 410 A.D., Rome
Alaric: O.K., we’re here. We are, literally, barbarians at the gates. How brat is that?
Cleverdic: Dope.
Kissmequic: So dope.
Alaric: Like I always say, a Visigoth is a—
All: Busy Goth!
Picnic: O mighty and most feared king, how do we actually, you know, get in?
Pogostic: Ladders. Or catapults that ping us over the walls. Catapults are sick.
Alaric: Nah. I have a spy on the inside. He’ll open up.
Kissmequic: Name?
Alaric: Hegsegoth.
Silence.
Pogostic: Um, Al, I don’t mean to be difficult, but is he really our guy? I mean, has he ever done any actual sacking?
Alaric: Well, no, but have you seen his hair? And he wears a little Alaric handkerchief in his top pocket. Smooth.
Hegsegoth: Hey, guys! Up here! Look, it’s me, up on the walls! Back me or sack me, know what I mean?
Cleverdic: Typical European freeloader. Pathetic.
Pathetic: Hello?
December 7, 1941, north of Oahu, Hawaii
Vice-Admiral Chūichi Nagumo, Imperial Japanese Navy, to captains of the aircraft carriers Akagi, Kaga, Sōryū, Hiryū, Shōkaku, and Zuikaku:
Gentlemen, all is prepared. Dawn has broken. The first wave of airborne attacks will be launched forthwith. May glory attend our efforts.
Captain Jisaku Okada, Kaga: Pls confirm midget submarines in position for dispatch 10 nautical miles Pearl H.
Nagumo: Confirm dispatched at 0100, now approaching targets.
Captain Ryusaku Yanagimoto, Sōryū: Pls reconfirm Level 1A secret channel telegraphic comms only repeat only hereafter.
Nagumo: Confirmed.
Captain Tomeo Kaku, Hiryū: Well, sort of.
Silence.
Nagumo: Come again?
Kaku: Msgs also currently dispatched ship to ship.
Nagumo: Identify comms urgent repeat urgent.
Kaku: Um, some complete idiot doing it with flags. FFS. Broad daylight.
Nagumo: Identify idiot.
Kaku: Hang on. Rising Sun handkerchief top pocket. Shades. Oh shd have known. Petty Officer Second Class Hegsethawa.
Yanagimoto: Any chance emergency deployment kamikaze training program query.
Nagumo: May glory attend his efforts.
Kaku, Yanagimoto, Okada: LOLS. Over and out. ♦
