The Starfish
It’s in your DNA to live your best sprawled-out life—slowly extending limbs across every inch of the bed, and whoever’s in it. Like your marine mascot, you’re sensitive to disruptions in your environment but, unlike the starfish, you just don’t care (that you’re hogging the blankets). Your harshest critics say that you have no backbone or brain, but you demonstrate moments of selflessness. For example, when kicked or shoved, you’ll scoot over two inches.
The Corpse
Some people feel uneasy about sleeping like they’re about to be slid into a coffin, but not you. You’re immovable in your convictions, even if your nocturnal rigor mortis freaks people out. By day, you can be found making decisions with reckless abandon, yet somehow, at night, you slip into a totally peaceful sleep, content to leave everyone else to deal with your mess. And no, you will not “just turn on your side for the love of God.”
The Bone-Crusher
You have a penchant for pinning your sleep partner beneath your full weight, which has suddenly shifted entirely into the leg or arm you’ve draped across their body. On the upside, you are loyal and fiercely protective of loved ones. You hold family and friends close but, given enough time, you manage to crush them with your abandonment issues.
The Sidecar
You’re adept at self-inflicted pain, and have a favorite method: sleeping on your right or left side, torn rotator cuff be damned. You live your days unevenly, fuelled by your propensity to ignore warning signs—but where is that bottom arm even supposed to go? You have periods of codependency, when you need something or someone to prop you up. But you refuse to make different choices because those few hours before the numbness sets in are amazing.
The Burrito
Head enveloped, body tightly wrapped with covers, you fear the unknown and crave security. As a kid, you couldn’t sleep without being tucked in. You carried that anxiety into adulthood, buying two of everything in case one broke and dabbling in doomsday prepping (canned-beans hoarding). Your biggest flaw is that you don’t realize that your “safety measures” just create more problems, like when the fire alarm goes off and you’re trapped in the comforter.
The Burrito: Nose Out
In this position, you’ve gone full burrito, other than a nose hole for fresh air. In addition to fearing the unknown, you are rightfully worried about suffocating to death.
The Burrito: Feet Out
Easily annoyed by both heat and incidental touching, you struggle with intimacy and often push people away. You’re known to yell at the person seated next to you, “Will you please move your leg?” or “Why is your thigh so hot?” before stomping off in a huff.
The Fetus
People at work think you’re joking when you say that you want to go straight home and crawl into the fetal position. You have a low tolerance for life’s daily annoyances like needing two double-A batteries but having nine triple-A ones, or tackling a pile of unopened mail. You firmly believe that everything will be better if you can just go back to bed for a few hours. (It won’t.) ♦
