I, Jeff Bezos, the C.E.O. of Amazon and the world’s richest man, pledge to give away some of my money by the end of today, guaranteed.
Although billionaires such as Bill Gates and Warren Buffett have pledged to donate the majority of their wealth in the course of their lifetimes, I have chosen a single-day contribution, because I believe society’s problems can be solved in the time that it takes Amazon to deliver a ring light.
I’ve been criticized for my lack of charitable contributions in the past. But, in this time of social and economic upheaval, I can no longer hoard my wealth and sit idly by and watch my ex-wife, MacKenzie, receive praise for her measly pledge of $1.7 billion.
Below are some of the organizations and causes that I have chosen to support.
The Oakland Food and Facial-Recognition Bank: This used to be just an ordinary food bank, but thanks to my generous investment it is now a place to collect both food and your biometric information. Struggling Americans can always find a free meal here, because we will need to harvest their data for research purposes.
Bezos Extreme Education Program: You may have already heard about my children’s-education initiative, in which I promised to treat children like Amazon customers. So, if children are the customers, then teachers should be treated like valuable Amazon employees, working 24/7 and out of a warehouse. I vow to invest in the future of our children and remove all barriers to their success, like labor laws.
Space: I commit to giving away a majority of my wealth to the people who need it most: space tourists. Thanks to my continued investment in expensive technologies, we are very close to having ultra-wealthy Amazon customers travel to space, and to having Elon Musk eat my space dust.
Bezos Business Attire: They say that you should dress for the job you want. I want to help in this endeavor by donating my used black leather jackets, puffy vests, and designer sunglasses. Finally, hard-working Americans can dress like the job they want is that of hired assassin.
Big Bald Brothers of America: I plan to use my disproportionate wealth to fight for social justice for bald men. Don’t tell me this isn’t a real issue. Others have tried, but now they’re floating in space somewhere.
A.C.L.U. (Amazon Civil Liberties Union): At Amazon, we believe in protecting the rights of vulnerable tech giants. We must defend our freedom of speech, so that all Amazon customers can speak freely while our products record what they say. Make a donation today, and I’ll send you an Alexa, free of charge!
Habitat for Humanity and Suburban Vigilantes: I believe in creating affordable housing and safe communities for all, which is why I want to develop an exclusive suburb protected by Amazon home-security systems. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Can this be weaponized against people of color? And I’ve been advised not to answer this question.
Bezos Center (formerly Lincoln Center): I love the opera, especially because I feel like a Bond villain whenever I spy on people with my opera glasses. Thanks to my commitment to the arts, the Juilliard School will now be an incubator for change. Students can say goodbye to performing stuffy old Shakespeare and say hello to pretending they’re Amazon delivery workers (we encourage students to go Method with these roles).
Puffy Vests: I will continue to donate millions of dollars to my accessory of choice.
Earth: We only have one habitable planet (until my space team proves otherwise), so we must optimize Mother Earth and learn to innovate. I won’t rest until our planet is secure, in my hands. Luckily, my team is very close to creating that “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” gadget and zapping our planet into the size of a lentil. This is my solemn promise.
