After a lot of soul-searching and long, meditative silences spent really listening to my body, here is what it had to say to me:
“Oh, you hate me now that you’re twenty-eight and you strained your back sitting down too fast? Yeah, it’s gonna get way worse, bud.”
“Can I be honest with you? When you buy Gatorade, I always think it’s because you’re going to use me to play a sport or something. But then I always end up on the couch. Which would be fine if your preferred couch position wasn’t neck-on-middle-of-cushion, leading to lower-back pain, leading to butt asleep, neck injured, spirit destroyed.”
“I know that you put on yoga pants with no intention of exercising later. You’re not fooling anyone.”
“Stop watching ‘White Lotus.’ It’s overrated, anyway.”
“Really? You’re hooking up with Connor again? Come on, you can do better. He always gives us U.T.I.s. And he’s definitely a flat-earther. You can just tell.”
“God, will someone let me out of here?! Ha ha, just kidding!”
“Oh! That’s what we’re wearing? No, no, it’s fine, just wanted to make sure.”
“O.K., you need to take a break. You’re working yourself too hard! Let’s take a nice, long nap. Who cares that it’s only 2 P.M.? You deserve it.”
“If I can’t reach it from here, it’s not worth it.”
“Can I be honest? I’ve been feeling a little suffocated. I think we need some time apart.”
“When we were meditating the other day, let’s be honest: we farted.”
“So, because there’s a deal on two-for-one chili margaritas you’re just going to poison me? Very cool. Sounds fair. . . .”
“Hey, hey—look, I’m sorry, O.K.? I know that I can be an asshole. I get it. I make you feel tired all the time, and there are parts of me even I don’t know the names of. But we’re friends, right? You can’t take away all those good times. Like, remember when we did body shots in Cancún? We’re a great team! I say we start over. Take a vacation. Maybe do one of those detox cleanses you always talk about but never actually try, because ‘some toxins are natural and supposed to be there,’ but mostly because they cost four hundred and fifty dollars. I mean, you could start by drinking more than a sip of water once in a while and see what that does, but—wait, wait, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! I want to keep talking. I think this is good for us. Like, do you ever think about how bodies are just these shells of flesh that are meant to keep us safe but are so fragile at the same time, and the more we live inside them, the more we tear them apart, all while doing the best we can to keep them together? And no matter how hard we try, we’re just staving off the inevitable. . . .”
“Wait. Shit. Yeah, the edible we took just kicked in. I am definitely high. Never mind.”
