Space.
I know what you’re thinking: “The moon and the stars?!” And though that would be an unforgettable gift—albeit tedious to wrap—no, I do not mean the final frontier. What your beau really wants is a little breathing room, some “me” time.
What will he do with that time, you ask? Well, seeing as he already spends five minutes of his commute home from work just sitting in his car, staring into the distance, thinking about horses, my guess is he’ll probably do more of that.
Listen when he tells work stories.
Look, I get it. He’s not the best storyteller in town. Does he forget key details? Yes. Does he remember them three minutes later and then try to backtrack, only to make things even more confusing? Every time. But would he appreciate the effort of you at least trying to follow the ups and downs of managing the only Lids hat superstore in a forty-three-mile radius? Yes—yes, he would.
Stop watching ahead on Netflix!
I know it’s frustrating that he prefers the old-school method of watching shows, at a pace of one episode per week, but you have to understand—he needs this kind of stability in his life right now.
If you had listened when he talked about his day, you would know that the hat business is no cakewalk. Measuring head sizes, embroidering Instagram handles on beanies, and returning correct change are just a few of the duties that demand every last iota of his concentration. And, on top of all that, he now also has to worry that you’re at home on the couch, five episodes ahead in “Gilmore Girls.” How very Rory of you.
Come to one of his band’s gigs.
He’s been in the band since before you two got together, and you still haven’t made it to a show. Not cool.
Trust me, I understand that a Baha Men cover band isn’t exactly everyone’s—or, quite frankly, anyone’s—cup of tea. And, sure, the fact that they play exclusively at a bar nicknamed the Tetanus Hotbed isn’t very alluring, either. But, hey, that’s your tambourine-playing man up there! So, pick a Monday night (also not helping their case), get a little drunk, and round up a few friends to help show your budding rock star some love. Who knows? You might accidentally have some fun, too.
Couples therapy.
Well, this should not come as a surprise. He feels unsupported, unimportant, and honestly unsure about how to move forward. But please do not interpret this as him wanting out or admitting defeat. Rather, it’s him acknowledging that there is room for improvement, and that’s what he wants, above all else. Above his band, above his TV dramedies, above his hats—he wants his life with you.
And, although going to a stranger with your personal problems might seem weird at first, I’m sure you’ll quickly find comfort in an unbiased viewpoint. His co-workers will also thank you, as they’ll finally be able to eat lunch in peace.
Hand-feed him oats before you ride him naked through a field like a horse.
Now, this one should come as a surprise, as he never previously mentioned anything even remotely close to this in the bedroom. But what can I say? You’ve landed yourself a hundred-per-cent, no-doubt-about-it, bona-fide freak.
So, strap on those spurs, grab the cowboy hat that he got you for your anniversary (makes more sense now, doesn’t it?), and take your horse to the Old Town Road for a birthday that he will certainly never forget.
