What a bummer that you left your passport on the plane. If it makes you feel better, I once threw my graduation cap in the air and never got it back.
I’m sorry that you tested positive for Lyme disease. If it makes you feel better, I once rode on the back of a guy’s motorcycle and swallowed three gnats.
The man you thought was your brother is actually your dad?! Wow, well, if it makes you feel better, I just found out that my dad is actually my uncle’s brother.
I’m sorry that you had an allergic reaction to peanuts and wound up in the hospital. If it makes you feel better, I once found a peanut in a bag of almonds. I still ate it, but it was a real, “Whoa, where did you come from?” moment.
I’m so sorry to hear that your dog died. That’s really sad. If it makes you feel better, I have a cockatoo and it’s very much alive. In fact, it will probably outlive me, which, if you think about it, is pretty sad.
Oh, god, yeah, having a U.T.I. is awful. If it makes you feel better, I just ate some pineapple and now my tongue is very itchy.
I heard that your fiancé left you at the altar! That must have been terrible. If it makes you feel better, my twin sister left me in the womb. I eventually got out, too, but her actions still hurt.
Jennifer and you broke up, huh? I really never thought it would happen. If it makes you feel better, I’m currently fighting with my goldfish.
Good luck with your heart surgery. If it makes you feel better, my birth-control pill is causing a weird under-boob rash.
I’m sorry that your house burned down. If it makes you feel better, I once blew out the candles on a birthday cake and accidentally blew away my best friend, Sam. Sam was an ant.
Jesus, I can’t believe you were in labor for thirty-six hours. If it makes you feel better, I once gave birth to a Beanie Baby. It was really painful, especially the tag, but the doctor said it would be worth money someday.
I’m sorry that you had your identity stolen. If it makes you feel better, I’ve already forgotten your name.
