Seeds for fruits and vegetables
Practical advice
Warm socks (money is good!)
Wet socks (money is bad!)
Pithy little insults between Oasis’s Gallagher brothers that can only be described as “intensely British”
Clif Bars
Pebbles that are so smooth they make you feel confused sexually
We keep money the same but rename it “snickerdoodles,” so people take it less seriously, and we just start calling snickerdoodle cookies “cinnamon sugar cookies.” Would this do anything for the stock market?
Breadsticks
That bouncy whistle sound that comes in forty-seven seconds into “This Must Be the Place”
Something that is impossible for one person to store more than a billion of
Memories of a time you yearn for, not because you were actually happier but because, back then, you relished the uncertainty of the future and now you shrink away and try to mitigate it like a coward
Grapes
ASMR soap-cutting videos that throw you into an existential crisis because you refuse to admit how deeply satisfied they make you feel
Literally any form of validation
We all just thumb-wrestle for everything
Nonsense Oasis lyrics that are somehow still great and make you think, “If the Gallagher brothers could have just set aside their differences. . . .”
Eskimo kisses
Chapstick
Antidepressants
Bitcoin (just kidding)
Actual bootstraps that the formerly rich can use to pick themselves up with
Daily riddles
Crayon colors with weird passive-aggressive names like Professional Jealousy Green and Seasonal Depression Blue
A wry, telling smile on Noel Gallagher’s face when he hears Liam hit a note perfectly on a lyric that he wrote for him, and, in that moment, you know that these two lads really do love each other
