Grocery Shopping
Limit your number of trips to the store and, when you do shop, don’t stockpile. Consider buying shelf-stable items such as canned vegetables, tuna, rice, the last box of pasta (likely gluten-free or whole-wheat), every kind of bean, frozen fruit, jelly beans just in case those count as beans, coconut shavings because you never know, cat food in case all the human food runs out, fish food in case all the cat food runs out, and a jar of pickles to shove in the back of your fridge and forget about. Before you check out, put back that extra pack of toilet paper you panic-grabbed. C’mon—you’re better than that!
E-mails
All e-mails are required to start with the sentence “I hope this finds you well in these strange and unprecedented times,” regardless of the fact that absolutely no one is currently “well.” None of us are “well,” and most of us have probably never been “well.” What does “well” even mean? If someone sends you an e-mail with the phrase “just following up!!!” you are legally allowed to egg their house.
Zoom Backgrounds
The longer your Zoom background makes your co-workers chuckle, the longer you reign as “Daddy’s Best Little Zoom Baby.”
Having Friends
Staying connected is important during this time of social isolation. Reach out to loved ones via group text or video call, or form close relationships with your houseplants. Your ficus is such a Miranda.
Dating
It only took a global pandemic for your parents to stop hounding you about getting married. Now your mom treats her sourdough starter like it’s her grandchild. Also, Tinder is as awful as it was before, times a thousand.
Meals
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are no longer the designated meals of the day. Now there is “eating,” “not eating,” and “thinking about what to eat next.” Sometimes “eating” takes place from dawn until dusk. Other times, you will just go back and forth between “eating” and “thinking about what to eat next” until you pass out.
Doing the Dishes
You will forever be doing dishes and never stop doing the dishes into infinity. You don’t own your dishes anymore. The dishes own you.
Small Talk
In lieu of talking about the weather, we will now say things like, “Is your home hot or cold?” Instead of asking about weekend plans, we’ll ask each other if we ever remember a time when Saturday felt like a respite. We do not ask, “How are you?” unless it’s meant to be ironic. Gossip is still permissible and very much encouraged. How else will you vent to your lamp about how your fake succulent has been really bitchy lately? God, it’s such an Aries.
Clothing
Duvets, blankets, and towels are all acceptable outfits. Dress shoes are just something you say to make a funny joke. Bras have gone extinct.
Days
Every day is like the week between Christmas and New Year’s—devoid of time or meaning. Days have no name or number, and months exist only in hindsight (e.g., “Wait . . . April happened already?”).
Time
It’s always 4 P.M. It’s never not 4 P.M., and it will always be 4 P.M.
Productivity
Productivity has never been simpler. Just lay flat on your face on the floor and hope something happens.
Cars
These are now escape pods for feelings. Have a nice cry, a good scream, or simply sit and stare into the abyss inside your tin box of despair.
Dads
It is now a rule that all dads have become a thousand per cent more dad. They live at Home Depot. Are they working on D.I.Y. projects? No. Why are they there? Who knows.
At-Home Workouts
Hahahahahaha.
Cancelling Plans
As orgasmic as ever.
