I’m so lucky to have been able to escape the city this summer! I’m breathing fresh country air and eating hot dogs. I feed carrots to the adorable bunny that hops around the garden. Maybe I’ll finally get to see some stars without city-light pollution!
In the afternoon, I walk ten thousand steps in concentric circles around the front lawn. I don’t leave the property, of course—but, front lawn! Can you believe it? Don’t have one of those in the city!
My recurring COVID-19 nightmare, in which I’m trapped in an elevator with another person, is subsiding. Is that a bear digging through the trash? Good thing he’s more scared of me than I am of him, or so they say. Makes sense because he weighs almost a thousand pounds, but I have a big brain.
It’s quiet here, isn’t it? I guess some people like total isolation!
All this country fun made me forget to take my Ativan. Good thing I don’t need Ativan in the country! Tonight, I’m going to have hot dogs with beans.
And who needs air-conditioning when there’s a breeze? I hope a breeze comes soon. I’m sweating bullets, but it’s nothing a couple of hot dogs can’t fix. Hot dogs and a couple of Ativans. I mean, I have them, so why not enjoy them?
As I sip coffee on the porch (that’s right, I have a porch, baby!), I see that the bunny has invited a couple of his friends over. They probably want more carrots. Silly bunnies. I don’t have enough carrots for the whole family! Good thing I have Instacart.
My Instacart shopper is trying to substitute carrots with non-dairy creamer. Do bunnies like non-dairy creamer or just the real stuff? Good thing the supermarket has hot dogs! No buns, though.
Is that a huge tick on my neck? Big is good. Big means it’s not a deer tick. Wait, no. It’s three small ticks, huddled together. Deceptive!
O.K., now there are, like, at least forty bunnies out there. What’s that about? I guess there’s no reason to be scared of a menacing gathering of bunnies, watching me with dozens of creepy little eyes. I’m sure it’s still safe to walk my circles with them out there. Although, it is ninety-nine degrees with a hundred-per-cent humidity. I’ll just stay in for a day or two.
After the sun sets, I lie in bed and read on my iPad. Man, bugs sure do love that blue light! They keep landing on the screen. And my face. Now the mosquitoes are going for my neck. Joke’s on them, because my neck has already been claimed by the ticks. Losers! It’s popular real estate! My neck is like the SoHo of my body! You have to be from the city to get why that’s funny. Heh. I guess I do miss the city a little.
At least here I can look out the window and see the stars. You can’t see stars like that in the city! Oh, wait, that’s hundreds of unblinking bunny eyes, watching me through my window. What are they plotting?
As I drift off, bathed in the glow of the eyes of hundreds of bunnies, seemingly poised to attack, I contemplate how great it is that everyone else thinks I’m so lucky to escape the city. This shit looks awesome on Instagram.
